Hamleys for the depressed (Rousse)

Bored, lonely and depressed in London, I headed off to Hamleys.

On the ground floor I visited the dull Hitchhikers’ Guide to the Galaxy exhibition. Then I walked up several flights of stairs with a pair of very overweight American twins* to the fifth floor. Here I wandered through the displays of Victorian toys, including encased dolls made from the bodies of deceased children. They were hardly cheering.

Later SH picked me up in her car and drove me and TPR through a beautiful snowy landscape. I knew that SH had suffered from depression herself in the past, so spoke openly about my feelings. However, neither she nor TPR was interested in my plight. They were more concerned with the health of the sheep and deer that appeared to be frozen solid in the fields.

*Six months later the twins had slimmed to under half their former body weight and won a whole host of awards for their achievement.

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Minuscule Mick Jagger on Desert Island Discs (Rousse)

Seated next to me, Mick Jagger was able to disguise his height. However, the minute we both stood up I clocked that I was at least two inches taller than him.  I hid my surprise – unlike the woman in the queue behind us.

She soon got the message that her commentary on Mick’s stature was unwelcome and left us. ‘At least you are not ginger’, I offered as words of comfort.

Then I changed the subject of the conversation completely by asking Mick about his appearance on Desert Island Discs.

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Coconut Kit Kat no consolation for crime (Belle)

I had to admit it.  I looked fabulous in this yellow dress.  Although I was working as a teacher in 1940s New York, I also acted as unofficial assistant to my private detective boyfriend.  A good wardrobe was essential.

I was gathering birthday cards with initials on them for my pupils and trying to break a chocolate bar. It took some time to realise why I was struggling.  This was a coconut flavour Kit Kat and needed to be broken into fingers.

My pupil was a witness to to a mafia crime.  No amount of coconut Kit Kat fingers was going to console her.  We were in trouble in this subway tunnel.

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Horsepower (Rousse)

I clung onto the roof of the train carriage until I could bear the cold no longer, then embarked on the dangerous descent.

It was difficult to drop to the road while the train was travelling at speed. Who knew that a single horse had the power to pull a set of rail carriages so quickly?

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Looking for a new boyfriend (Rousse)

I was looking for a new boyfriend.

The first candidate was lovely – tall, dark, and handsome – and we did have some fun together. However, he was much younger than me, a smoker, and offered limited conversation. I really needed someone on my own intellectual level.

Then there was QQX, who I’d admired for years – and a non-smoker with a PhD. Age-wise there was still a problem. He was almost two decades my senior. When we first started dating I also believed that he had a wife hidden away somewhere. In fact she had died two years earlier. If I took him on permanently, however, it was inevitable that I would end up with the responsibility of nursing him into his old age (unless he died sooner in an unfortunate glider accident).

As candidate number 3, NDX was far superior: a tall, handsome (though not dark), non-smoking professor, just a couple of years older than me. When we first met six years ago, we had both experienced a form of love at first sight across the dinner table. Now we were meeting in secret, waiting for the right moment to tell our friends and family about our romance. I hoped that everyone would agree that this was the right relationship for me – even TPR.

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Biking through Oxford with a purpose (Rousse)

I raced on my bike through the colleges of Oxford determined to catch up with TPR. I had two important things to tell him:

  1. I knew about all his affairs (including the recent one with MNX) and that he’d only stopped sleeping with other women over the past couple of months because it was impossible to get away from me while I was on sick leave.
  2. My school friend HH and her horse were pictured on the back page of the Guardian following their recent triumph at York races.
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An encounter with a narcissist robot (Rousse)

I was an unexpected, and unwelcome, guest at the house of a woman who was in my year at school. We barely knew one another. I had simply spoken to EC, a retired accountant, at a couple of reunions in recent years. However, I needed somewhere to stay for the night, and this place was as good as any other.

A second person had landed on EC and her family. She had also been at our school, but I couldn’t remember her at all. I asked if she was Indian or Pakinstani. She explained that her family came to the UK from East Africa in 1972 with only a few shillings to their name, and that she was Jewish.

Although EC was inconvenienced by my visit, she soon put me to work. If I would stay in and look after the children, then she and her husband could pop out to the pub with their friends from university. At first I was happy to do this. I decided to teach the children the game of Empire. However, I soon had second thoughts when I discovered that the baby of the family was a rather uncooperative white narcissist robot who believed that he was superior to everyone else – simply because he had once appeared on Tomorrow’s World.

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Meghan Markle mocks marriage (Belle)

Every seat in the town hall was full as an actor took to the stage in full music hall style.  “Isn’t that Bernard Hepton?” I said to my neighbour, knowing full well it was and simply showing off my knowledge.

There were two screens in the hall. The one to the left of the audience was showing a Wales rugby match and most people were having to turn their necks to watch the action. Meghan Markle sat behind us chatting with her friends about how marriage was a broken institution and … “it wasn’t the only one”. This was said with some much meaning that I worried we were all committing treason by simply being in the same room.

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The bearded lady’s baby (Rousse)

This was quite complicated, and I knew that I would have to get my explanation in quickly before TPR made an inappropriate remark.

His bearded cousin mentioned her wife and child. If you were not paying close attention, you might assume that the child was hers. I could tell that TPR’s cousin was not part of the decision to have the child, but instead took him on when she and her partner became an item.

In fact my own assumption was incorrect. TPR’s cousin corrected me to explain that she entered the relationship when her partner was first pregnant.

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Ronnie Corbett goes to university (Rousse)

Ronnie Corbett placed his right arm over my shoulder and engaged me in conversation about university entry tariffs and the relative merits of ‘old’ and post-92 institutions.

How, for example, does the ‘quality’ of graduates from Northumbria, Durham, and Napier compare? Are (as rumoured) six UCAS points worth more in Scotland than in England?

The dead comedian gave every impression that he harboured ambitions to enter higher education late in life.

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