Tech company takes on cheese market (Belle)

Posted on July 10, 2018 by Dreamaticus

I was working for a trendy tech company which was attempting to diversify its portfolio. The staff memo (“We are now a cheese company too!”) took quite a few of us by surprise.  The initiative struck me as poor business. We had signed with a ‘cheese agent’ who was taking 40% of our cheese revenues. The cheese tasted no better than standard cheddar spread. Plus, our tech competitors were openly laughing about us in the press.

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Lindisfarne tribute band fail (Rousse)

Posted on July 8, 2018 by Dreamaticus

Although JS had put in all the work for the university reunion, I was the mistress of ceremonies for the day. This meant that the guests were under the impression that I was responsible for the shambolic arrangements. These included:

  • tiny name badges that nobody could read;
  • a Lindisfarne tribute band with a lead singer who could not remember the lyrics;
  • no tea or coffee provided after lunch;
  • peculiar two-seater toilets in the ladies’ room;
  • gatecrashers GC and JC – the former set up a disco in competition with the tribute band, and the latter insisted on taking to the stage to show off three long dresses.

I did my best to give the impression that none of this mattered, but really I was terribly embarrassed.

The single highlight of the day for me was a big hug at the bar with marathon runner RR. He looked (and felt) very fit under his short-sleeved maroon batik shirt.

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Reuniting teddy bears at the White House (Rousse)

Posted on July 7, 2018 by Dreamaticus

My efforts were paying off: after hours of wading my way through mountains of junk, at the White House (Hartburn) I managed to group families of teddy bears that had been separated for years. In most cases they comprised threesomes, but occasionally there were more members. For example, there were four big orange teddies from circa 1973.

Afterwards I asked my father if I could pour myself a glass of pink drink to share with Granny H. It looked like he would say yes, but my mother butted in to make it clear that alcohol was not on offer at lunchtime.

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Retired librarians to the rescue (Belle)

Posted on July 6, 2018 by Dreamaticus

I was woken up, kidnapped and forced to go to a pub by a crazy ex-boyfriend. Fortunately, I recognised the town.  I escaped and ran up the hill to the cathedral. In the courtyard an odd spectacle was taking place. People in medieval suits of armour were performing a mystery play. The audience was made up entirely of former colleagues and retired, high profile librarians.  I was safe!

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Off-set with (ugly) Orlando Bloom (Rousse)

Posted on July 6, 2018 by Dreamaticus

Orlando Bloom was at a loose end with nothing to do, so he eagerly accepted my invitation to while away the afternoon off-set with me.

I noted that the actor was shorter than I had imagined, and not terribly handsome at close quarters.

Orlando explained that everyone’s beauty is exaggerated on-screen. He was greatly indebted to the make-up artists whose skills transform him from man to movie star for his film roles.

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Avocado bathroom upgrade (Rousse)

Posted on July 5, 2018 by Dreamaticus

At first I was appalled that my sister had dismantled the green bathroom. In a single afternoon she had wiped out all the efforts of the past three months that I had put in to enhance the bathroom’s appearance. She had also emptied the spare bedroom of most of its furniture, which was now littered elsewhere throughout the flat.

However, I was also secretly pleased that she had stripped everything back because she had made it obvious that both the bathroom and bedroom were in serious need of a complete upgrade. Even TPR would be persuaded when he saw the extent of rot around the avocado bathtub.

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Selfish guests in the Outer Hebrides (Rousse)

Posted on July 3, 2018 by Dreamaticus

The first bus across the Isle of Lewis ran late so we missed our connection to Harris. Rather than wait for the next service, TPR, SM and I gave up on our trip south and returned to our bedrooms in the guest house in Uig.

We completely disregarded any consideration that these rooms were now to be let to other holiday-makers. Nor did we envisage the embarrassment that our actions would cause the guest house proprietor.

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The Grinch faces up to death (Rousse)

Posted on July 3, 2018 by Dreamaticus

‘Come on Rousse!’ shouted JG through the door, ‘We’ve all travelled miles to see you at this party’.

I had no choice. I would have to head downstairs and face everyone.

First, however, I spent a few moments with the scruffy old man that we had nicknamed ‘the Grinch’. We spoke quietly of our illnesses and the fast diminishing amount of time we each had left on this earth.

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Grief counselling for pets with Spike Milligan (Belle)

Posted on July 2, 2018 by Dreamaticus

I was at the sunny British seaside to observe a research project. A fairground ride/obstacle course/car wash style experience had been built into the cliffs. Animals would enter the tunnel and would emerge at the other end with all their unhappiness removed.

First, a killer whale swam through and went back to the ocean. Then Spike Milligan sent a dog through. As I watched it retreat into the tunnel I was transfixed by the fact that the  markings on the dog’s rear end looked exactly like a face. “That dog looks as if it’s running backwards”, I said to Spike.  “Then THAT’S the dog I want”, he replied.

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Topless on the A1 (Rousse)

Posted on June 29, 2018 by Dreamaticus

My cousins S and N pleaded with me to dance with them so I agreed – but first I needed to put on some clothes.

I returned to the camper van (my home for the past few months) and pulled on the pair of red and white hooped woollen tights that the cousins had given me for a Christmas present. Then, rather than put on a top, I accidentally added a pair of black leggings to my outfit.

Two hours later an elderly family friend picked me up walking along on Milton Road West.  She couldn’t understand why I would be heading out of Edinburgh on the A1, completely naked from the waist upwards. Nor could I.

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