Car jack lover (Rousse)

FJ jumped into the car, grabbed the wheel, and declared his undying love for me.

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Morpeth train disaster (Rousse)

Whatever the reason that TPR stepped onto the platform at Morpeth, when he attempted to rejoin the service he accidentally climbed into the carriage of a different northbound train – non-stop to Pitlochry!

I screamed at him to disembark, but by the time that he heard me the Edinburgh train had already started to pull out of the station. It was all his fault that we were stranded.

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Triple dating with James Corden (Belle)

I had no idea why current boyfriend (TM) had invited former boyfriend (JHI) out on a date with us. Everything was made more awkward by the addition of James Corden to our little group. Then JHI was kidnapped outside of Angel tube station and corralled into a sort of holding pen outside the bingo hall. Worst date ever.

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A Hebridean Holy Island (Rousse)

Holy Island was looking rather Hebridean with its towering peaks and sandy lochs. I sat at the water’s edge with JMH trying to work out whether the island had switched coastlines. Had it somehow landed on the west coast of Scotland? When JMH pointed out the newly-built ‘executive homes’ across the water I declared that the Scottish planning process would never have given permission for such monstrosities: Holy Island was definitely still in England.

We returned to the mainland by ferry. I rescued the member of our party who lost her ticket by showing the £837 credit card receipt for the transport costs of our trip.

The ferry crew was curious as to the amount that I had paid for such a short journey. It all made sense to them, however, when I explained that MCF, PMF, AMF, RJH, IM et al were already on the deck and enjoying the sunshine as we sped back to the mainland.

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Tackling mould with Gordon Ramsey (Belle)

Every cupboard I opened had a spectacular, kaleidoscopic mould growth. My colleagues were filthy pigs. I spent hours in rubber gloves scrubbing away.

In one cupboard I found a strange metal and glass object.  At first, I thought it was a paste dress ring, but when I looked closer I saw it was a secret spy glass. When I held it to my eye, I could see what was happening in the next room.  I slipped my new treasure in my pocket and went outside to stare at Gordon Ramsey’s railway arch. As I did so, he burst out of his door, taking part in a choreographed dance routine and holding a bottle of bleach.

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A hairy bridesmaid (Rousse)

I was honoured to have been asked to serve as one of JA’s bridesmaids, even though the only part that I had played in her life was to introduce her to some external work contacts and help her secure her first job following graduation.

On the big day I arrived at the hotel already dressed in my slim-fit mauve bridesmaid’s gown. I said hello to JA, who was taking her turn in a line-up of brides to practise their ceremony moves.

Since the wedding itself was not due to take place until much later in the evening, I took my parents to the hotel lounge where we could read the papers while waiting for the main event. It was odd to have my father back with us, and rather embarrassing since I had placed his death notice in the papers and written his obituary for publication. However, we were pleased that he had survived three weeks in a mortuary and a cremation, especially since his return cheered my mother immensely.

Later I sought JA to check on preparations for the ceremony. I found her in the communal shower, adding a blue rinse to her long grey hair. Rather than greet me with her famed smile, she glared at me angrily.

Where had I been? The wedding took place at 7:27pm and it was now 9:30pm! I was devastated to have missed the wedding, but had no excuse for my absence other than I had lost track of time.

JA’s mother and other relations were so angry that they all rounded on me, and one of her uncles spat in my face.

This was a disaster – and to think that when I first arrived at the venue that morning my main concern was that the other guests might notice my hairy armpits.

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Secrets by hypnosis in a skimpy black swimsuit (Rousse)

The power of the hypnotist was such that I couldn’t remember my taxi journey to the theatre.

I could, however, recall standing in a revealing skimpy black swimsuit spilling every secret of the vast fortune that I had accumulated over the years.

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Eminem and me (Belle)

I could either put the dishes away and go to bed or take a walk in the night-time industrial wastelands of 1980s London. I chose the walk and bumped into Eminem.

We knew each other vaguely and we linked arms and continued our walk in a charged silence. He led me into the student hall of residence that was his home. By this time we were holding hands. The bar area was made up of four railway carriages, all packed with students. As I stopped to say hello to someone I knew, a small dog licked my leg.

Eminem and I became a sort of informal item and he would wait at home for me while I commuted to New York every day to run a disreputable research project.

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Belle’s indecent play (Rousse)

Belle was more popular with the lads than me. I put this down to her more daring playground performance.

She zipped down the slide at an indecent speed, laughing her head off, with her legs held high in the air. I couldn’t possibly compete with this.

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Hotel holds guest’s underwear hostage (Rousse)

AH, CS, NY and SY pulled up outside the house bang on time at 3pm.

‘Look what we’ve brought!’ showed off AH, as he dragged two life-size cardboard cut-outs of me and TPR into the house. Each with a mop of blue woollen hair, they weren’t very realistic.

Meanwhile I had a mission to accomplish. I’d left all my underwear in a French hotel. I set off to collect it by bus on my own, but was soon joined by JG and BV. The former declared his undying love to me, and the latter tagged along to help with any interpretation needs.

Having battled through the snow and a bar packed with holiday-makers and their luggage, I was within reach of my hotel room when the proprietor refused admission along the corridor. I pleaded to be let through – not least so that I could cover my bare corsage – but my requests were ignored.

It was not until I threatened to report the theft of my left belongings that I was finally reunited with them. Then I returned to the village and caught the bus home again, with the besotted JG still in my wake.

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