Liverpool’s lame literature expert (Rousse)

I limped across Liverpool to Anfield to track down KA at work. Now employed as a physiotherapist at Liverpool FC, she would be able to massage my leg back to working order. I was particularly keen to be fit for a night out with our girlfriends.

Then I saw the bullying women. One was semi-naked and painted gold, reclining mid-air on a rope like an art deco figure. They screamed abuse at me as I set off for the evening. Their main accusation was that I kept a secret compartment in my handbag. This was apparently filled with £20 notes that I filched from the purses of my so-called friends. I shouted back that they would need to find a better reason to pick on me because this one made no sense at all. Remarkably this persuaded one of the gang – FF-A – to switch sides. She agreed to join me for dinner, much to the annoyance of the rest of her gang.

I felt a little uncomfortable at the dinner table when it was pointed out that I had committed a fashion faux pas: a white bra just visible under a black lacy top. (Apparently this was a worse crime than black satin shorts on a woman in her fifties.) This was soon forgotten, however, when I impressed everyone else at the table (including the daughter of one of the bullies) with my wide knowledge of European literature, in particular Cervantes and Don Quixote.

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An unexpected trip to Sleaford and two enemy stallholders (Rousse)

My mother convinced me that she knew the way back from town to her house – and I stupidly believed her. Three hours later we ended up in Sleaford, Lincolnshire.

Meanwhile TPR was selling newspapers to train commuters. In the quieter parts of the day he watched old Indiana Jones films on television. His only complaint was that he was not happy that SM ran a fruit and vegetable stall just a few yards along the road. KA was not pleased about this either.

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Drug drops on the North Yorkshire coast (Rousse)

We’d been dragged into the organisation of TPR’s step-uncle illegal scavenger hunt. Our part was to distribute ‘clues’ in the coves and along the cliff-tops of the North Yorkshire coast. We were pretty certain that this ‘game’ was tied to drug smuggling in some way.

We couldn’t pull out of this activity because of a threat issued by the step-uncle. In short, if we were to abandon the project or – worse still – report it to the police, it would be TPR’s mother who would suffer.

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A fateful ferry ride (Rousse)

The hire car was parked just 200 yards away. I was meant to walk this short distance down the road and drive it back to the house.

Instead I embarked on a road trip with colleagues TF and RS, and my sister J. This took us overseas to dodgy driving on wide American highways. We came face to face with the oncoming traffic that approached us on the ‘wrong’ side of the road.

Our return brought us back to Leith. We simply hoped to park by the docks, but somehow ended up in the queue for the Herald of Free Enterprise. When we found ourselves on deck, little did we know that we were about to set sail on a doomed passenger ferry, never to return.

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A kitchen break-up drama (Rousse)

I knew that it was unfair to drag our new lodger R into my personal crisis, but I was desperate. Was there anything that she could do to persuade TPR not to end our marriage? K was extremely cross with me for putting R into this awkward position: if TPR had decided to leave me, that was up to him.

So as I placed clean mugs from the dishwasher into the kitchen cupboard (wondering which ones would count as mine), K counselled R not to join in the discussion. Meanwhile  TPR ignored me, his eyes firmly fixed on his iPhone.

I chanced a remark at TPR, asking what was so fascinating on his screen.

‘It’s BD’, he replied. ‘His supposedly private Messenger conversation with his mother about his recent break-up is being broadcast publicly. And no, in case you’re wondering, you and I will never be reconciled’.

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A lochside home with a tiny, floppy, brown cow (Rousse)

When we heard that BP was vacating his flat at the Pleasance, TPR and I said that we might be interested in it. However, since it was accessed through a gym, we had to wait until opening time to view the accommodation.

At first I was disappointed by the lack of space and old fashioned décor, thinking that the flat comprised just a couple of rooms. Then I found a door that led through to another wing that included a massive kitchen and bedrooms for our (new to us) flatmates. Best of all was a small sitting room with a wide window that looked over the loch and along the glen. I was sold on the view, and now determined to live here.

The only issue was the tiny, floppy brown cow that had taken a shine to me. How ill was it? Could I save it from death?

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Still rainy in the south (Rousse)

ET moved south hoping for better weather. She was mistaken. It rained just as much there as it had in the north.

However, her living accommodation was now much grander. She had bought a large Georgian house with an extension out the front (albeit it was rather flimsy with its fabric ‘walls’ flapping in the wind, and thus not at all sound-proof). She was also much closer to the sea.

The time that I visited, I spent the afternoon on the pebble beach with MB and my mother. When we returned to the house afterwards it was unclear whether or not we would be charged for our stay.

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Sustainable yarn sources (Rousse)

I spun different shades of yarn from two sources: dust balls from the corners of the sitting room (mainly grey), and fluff accumulated by the tumble dryer (purple, blue and lilac).

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Photographing ferrets in Stockton-on-Tees (Rousse)

From an upstairs window I could see my sister S and her partner C standing on the front step of their house with a couple of black ferrets in their arms. “They would be great to photograph!”, I thought, so I collected my camera, ran downstairs, and crossed the road.

My sister lived in a beautiful late eighteenth century on Bowesfield Lane in Stockton-on-Tees. In a Georgian city such as Bath or the Edinburgh New Town, it would have been worth a fortune. However, in a town on Teesside, it was not.

It was years since I had crossed the threshold of my sister’s house. I was pleasantly surprised to find that she was no longer an untidy hoarder: all the beautiful features of the house were clearly visible, such as the hand-painted frieze in the entrance porch. She showed me through to her tidy kitchen, and the utility room extension that was not quite finished, yet neatly organised.

Then we stepped out into the garden. Oh dear! It was terribly overgrown and it was very difficult to navigate a way through the undergrowth to the back wall where C was holding the ferrets. The peace was also disturbed by reggae music pounding from a ghetto blaster.

Then a beefy, tattooed neighbour from the street behind my sister’s garden jumped over the wall to join us. I couldn’t work out whether he was looking for drugs or a fight. He didn’t give the impression that he was there to be photographed with the ferrets.

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Octogenarian bed-hopping (Rousse)

When we woke in the morning my husband and I found my eighty year-old mother comfortably sandwiched between us in our king-sized bed.

At which point during the night had she sneaked in without our noticing? How could we politely ask her to leave?

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