Poetry fraud discovered in toilet cubicle (Rousse)

Posted on December 31, 2019 by Dreamaticus

My colleague was so talented that she could compose poetry on the spot for any occasion – or so we all thought.

One day when we were in ladies, she passed a poem to me under the partition between our two cubicles. Contained within the verse was a complaint about my toilet habits. I couldn’t believe that she could have composed this text so rapidly, so I quickly committed another lavatorial ‘crime’, just to test her.

Sure enough, another poem was produced in an instant. Nobody could write as fast as this. I could only conclude that our so-called ‘poet’ was downloading each poem from a database in the Cloud.

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Mountain adventure delays audience member (Rousse)

Posted on December 30, 2019 by Dreamaticus

There were two routes down the mountain. One was a winding, rocky path. The other was more of a short cut across a steep boulder field. I decided to take my chances with the latter. After just a few paces I was stranded, too frightened to go any further, too weak to climb back up.

I shouted to the others below that I needed help. CM (despite his gammy leg) was the one who came to the rescue. He was so shocked by my predicament, however, that he needed a cigarette to calm himself. Unable to save me on his own, he sent for reinforcements. Meanwhile I clung on to the rocks for my dear life.

Then I noticed a white-painted metal ladder built into the rock-face. This was my route to freedom. I clambered up the rungs to my rescuer. Then the pair of us picked our way back down to sea level via the winding rocky path.

My mountain adventure delayed my arrival at Queen Margaret University to see TMcE perform in his latest play. I hoped that they would let me into the auditorium, even though I was embarrassingly late.

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Trapped in a Glasgow museum (Rousse)

Posted on December 29, 2019 by Dreamaticus

The starting point for access to the path up the mountain was under a door of a Glasgow museum. From here you accessed a tunnel. This eventually emerged in the open air on a steep mountain track.

I had forgotten my coat. So, while TPR man-handled my mother up the slope, I reversed the route back down to the museum.

Annoyingly, I took a wrong turn in the tunnel. After squeezing back under the door, I found myself in an unfamiliar exhibition room in the ‘wrong’ museum.

I would be stuck here forever. Meanwhile poor TPR would be stranded up the mountain with my mother.

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Cliff-top holiday cottage beach huts on the beautiful Isle of Lewis (Rousse)

Posted on December 24, 2019 by Dreamaticus

We spotted a few changes during our winter visit to our favourite guest  house on the Isle of Lewis. For example, the big sitting room was now serving as the kitchen, and the high tides delivered huge waves all the way up the lawn and over the tennis court.

The biggest change, however, was the construction of a series of beach hut style holiday cottages, each a different colour, along the cliff top. I knew instantly that GC and JC would love to stay in one of these.

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A sacrilegious faux pas in France (Rousse)

Posted on December 22, 2019 by Dreamaticus

“Let’s go,” I said, “I’ve had enough of this ridiculous Catholic tourist trap”.

I spoke rather too loudly, clearly upsetting many of the faithful who were visiting this French holy site of pilgrimage.

I back-tracked in admitting that it was an impressive display. You couldn’t deny the wonder of a series of deep caves festooned with religious icons and illuminated with candles like an underground cathedral. However, this was not my cup of tea at all.

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The Apprentice’s Lewis Ellis graduates (Rousse)

Posted on December 22, 2019 by Dreamaticus

Lewis Ellis was graduating with a Masters degree in Early Modern History and English from the University of Worcester, as was I. I couldn’t wait to add another set of letters to my existing Masters qualification and spell out the word ‘MAMA’.

When the big day came, Lewis Ellis and I were the only two from our class to turn up for the ceremony. Worst still, I was not called up to the stage to collect my certificate.

I later learnt that a Chinese woman had been awarded my degree instead of me earlier in the week.

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Marathon footwear failure in the Lammermuir Hills (Rousse)

Posted on December 21, 2019 by Dreamaticus

I was on target to complete my first ever marathon – until the track was changed mid-race to include a climb over the Lammermuir Hills, and we were all subject to an enforced change of footwear.

I was never going to make it up that steep narrow path in white plimsolls with yellow slip-on Croc overshoes!

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A hat trick of nephews (Rousse)

Posted on December 20, 2019 by Dreamaticus

I stared at my nephew. How would his new employer take him seriously when he looked only 10 years old? He was so small and slight, and his voice hadn’t even broken.

Then we were joined by another person – my nephew again, but this time a teenager. How was this possible?

Then the 2019, grown-up version of my nephew made it a hat trick. I was so relieved. This was the one who would start the new job after the Christmas holidays.

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A sauna with cigar-smoking footballers and a frightened Lulu (Belle)

Posted on December 17, 2019 by Dreamaticus

I’d got up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night when my ex boyfriend’s flatmate came in and asked me not to flush the toilet. Instead he sat on the toilet seat and asked if I thought he should invest in Winsor and Newton gold paint for the family portrait he was painting. The whole scenario was painfully awkward.

Later I was driving a car on an overpass and a car cut in front of me. Lulu stared at me from the back seat with fear in her eyes. I tried to shift to fourth gear and realised I had no idea where the gears were. The car broke down and I transferred to a racing bicycle. I stopped at an all-night sauna and chatted with three premier league footballers, one of whom was sitting in the steam room in full evening attire and smoking a cigar.

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Wool-eating insects destroy cashmere clothing (Rousse)

Posted on December 17, 2019 by Dreamaticus

Now I knew why my cashmere jumpers were full of holes. The bottom drawer of my cupboard housed hundreds of wool-eating insects. The size of small crabs (complete with shells), they were happily munching their way through every item of knitwear in the house.

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