A sauna with cigar-smoking footballers and a frightened Lulu (Belle)

I’d got up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night when my ex boyfriend’s flatmate came in and asked me not to flush the toilet. Instead he sat on the toilet seat and asked if I thought he should invest in Winsor and Newton gold paint for the family portrait he was painting. The whole scenario was painfully awkward.

Later I was driving a car on an overpass and a car cut in front of me. Lulu stared at me from the back seat with fear in her eyes. I tried to shift to fourth gear and realised I had no idea where the gears were. The car broke down and I transferred to a racing bicycle. I stopped at an all-night sauna and chatted with three premier league footballers, one of whom was sitting in the steam room in full evening attire and smoking a cigar.

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