Bearded Bob Dylan lookalike (Rousse)

Posted on March 18, 2020 by Dreamaticus

BR dyed his grey hair black, and also touched up his beard. He now looked like Bob Dylan, and I hated it.

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A culprit and Akita Staffordshire bull terrier cross dogs (Rousse)

Posted on March 14, 2020 by Dreamaticus

I should have been convicted of causing a death by dangerous driving of a Lothian Buses double decker. I escaped this fate thanks to the snow that covered up all evidence of my involvement. Pinning the blame on a homeless man was my masterstroke.

I was free to spend the rest of my days with three pink-dyed Akita Staffordshire bull terrier crosses.

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A family drive along the south coast (Rousse)

Posted on March 9, 2020 by Dreamaticus

With my mother at the wheel, and all three sisters on the back seat with Baby Ted and my panda, we drove along the south coast of England.

‘Is that the Isle of Wight?’ I asked, pointing to a beautiful, deserted island just a couple of miles out to sea. Even as I opened my mouth, I realised the error of my question: the Isle of Wight is both inhabited and heavily populated.

I hoped that we would stop in a small town where all the identical, yet multi-coloured, houses lined up on the main street faced the sea. However, it was clear that parking would be impossible, so we drove away from the shoreline and up the hill for coffee in a farm house.

Afterwards, rather than take the car, we decided to walk down the steps back into the town. My mother was so weak and feeble I more or less carried her the whole way.

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Hotel free late check-out hack (Rousse)

Posted on March 9, 2020 by Dreamaticus

Dressed in a long white towel, I told the reception staff at the gym attached to the Jury’s Inn that if the hotel staff would not permit a late check-out, I would threaten to run naked through the hotel corridors.

‘That’ll do the trick’, they agreed.

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The toilet roll guru of raving (Belle)

Posted on March 9, 2020 by Dreamaticus

It was a dangerous city at night, yet here I was climbing over walls trying to find my coat and bag after an evening out. I was glad K from school was there to keep me safe.

In the all night cafe we watched an infomercial for an upcoming ‘super rave’ in Columbia. I spotted that the footage of the rink-shaped dance floor had been spliced together from multiple sources. If you looked close enough, you could see football fights from the 1970s. The event organiser was interviewed about his ‘inspiration’ – an eccentric man he’d met who had told him “Don’t worry about the toilet roll, man. People will still come”.

“Well, they’re a bunch of arseholes”, I said loudly to no-one and everyone.

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Rejected from the religious romp (Belle)

Posted on March 5, 2020 by Dreamaticus

The priests I stayed with were famous Europe-wide for their “anything goes, drop in and drop them” party nights.  But whatever I did, and whatever heavy hints I dropped, I was never invited. I was, however, allowed to walk through ‘the room’ on the way to my bedroom.

Later I made raspberry jam at my old workplace.

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Mini-men cleaning army (Rousse)

Posted on March 5, 2020 by Dreamaticus

I awoke to the sound of small feet scurrying in the hall. When I opened my eyes I could make out some figures through the open bedroom door. Four tiny men armed with dusters, polish and mops were busy cleaning our flat.

But where was J, our regular cleaner? Perhaps they had abducted her? Or was it possible that she had sent the wee men herself to cover her work?

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Volvo shame (Rousse)

Posted on March 4, 2020 by Dreamaticus

The silver Volvo was now our responsibility. TPR parked it haphazardly at the other end of our Edinburgh street, even though there were plenty of parking spaces right outside our flat. Was he ashamed of our vehicle, I wondered?

I took charge of the car and, with the help of a friendly policeman, sorted out a problem with the fuel. Then I decided to move it out of the paid parking zone. The car would be well out of TPR’s sight half a mile away.

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Dangerous estuary bathing (Rousse)

Posted on March 4, 2020 by Dreamaticus

My cousin BB was already bathing in the warm estuary while I was still struggling to get my dress over my head so that I could strip off to my underwear and join her in the water. The two women that I asked to help me gave up. What a stupid idea to wear a tight red and white lycra dress in the middle of summer.

Meanwhile, in the distance, I saw EB struggling in the muddy sand across the bay. She was sinking fast. Her father raced to her side, and – with moments to spare – managed to haul her out.

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Radical refurbishments (Rousse)

Posted on March 2, 2020 by Dreamaticus

HJ and RJ were very, very wealthy.

When RJ decided that he wanted to enlarge their house, he did not consider an extension. Instead he issued an order for the old house to be knocked down and an identical one built – just to slightly larger proportions.

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