Kiell Smith-Bynoe is the star of Ghosts (Rousse)

Posted on December 21, 2020 by Dreamaticus

When I turned round I found Kiell Smith-Bynoe standing behind me.

‘Oh, hello’, I said, “I recognise you as an actor from Ghosts‘.

‘Not quite’, he corrected me, ‘I think that you mean the star of Ghosts.’

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Suicidal coach survival (Rousse)

Posted on December 19, 2020 by Dreamaticus

TPR and I were disappointed that two other passengers had bagged the best seats next to the coach driver. Sulkily, we sat down in the second row behind them.

Twenty minutes later the driver veered off the road, rumbled the vehicle across a field of sheep, and smashed head-first into a wall. We were left unscathed by his suicide. The passengers next to him were not.

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Prime Minister Boris Johnson lies about fish (Rousse)

Posted on December 16, 2020 by Dreamaticus

Boris Johnston stuck his hand into the drawer of random cutlery and pulled out a flat four inch fish-shaped piece of steel.

‘Excellent, a Tudor fish knife!’ he declared.

He was, of course, wrong. The metal might  have been fashioned into the form of a fish, but the work had been almost certainly done by a machine in twenty-first century China. Added to this, the fish was only decorative, with no practical function.

This was just another of the Prime Minister’s lies.

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A Hebridean Princess (Rousse)

Posted on December 13, 2020 by Dreamaticus

A famous dramatist was staying at the guest house on the Isle of Lewis and – it was rumoured – he was about to cast the lead role for his latest play: a princess with long golden hair.

Around my neck I strung the pearl necklace that I retrieved from the back of the sofa, then a ran a comb through my tresses, and waited for the call.

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iPhone switch scam (Rousse)

Posted on December 12, 2020 by Dreamaticus

Someone had switched my iPhone 11 for a 4. It worked fine, with all my contacts and stored messages and photographs still intact – but it wasn’t my phone.

Later TPR managed to work out the identity of the culprit who had made the exchange. It was a woman called Jeannette. I only knew one person with this name and had seen her recently. There was no question that she was to blame.

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What not to present in a job application (Rousse)

Posted on December 12, 2020 by Dreamaticus

SL showed me her notes for the job application form.

‘What’s the best way of present this information?’ she asked, showing me a sheet of paper headed ‘Dates’ with long list of men’s names underneath.

I advised SL that her prior work for an escort agency was probably not the kind of experience sought by the company in the advertised role. In fact, I hoped that she could keep this bizarre chapter of her life secret – forever.

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Holy Island pre-death giveaway (Rousse)

Posted on December 10, 2020 by Dreamaticus

Several of my former colleagues flocked to the Holy Island of Lindisfarne to attend AT’s pre-death giveaway. The ceremony was rather like the reading of a will, except that AT was still alive and you took away your booty on the spot.

I travelled there in a red foot-powered child’s toy car. Meanwhile JH gave KB,  her husband IB, and their daughter HB, a lift in BT’s old Lomax. I was proud that I could keep up with them on the narrow coastal road.

Along the way I met a woman who was taking a two centre holiday in Scotland and the north of England. She had just arrived at Holy Island after a week in Dumfries and Galloway. I told her all about our fun holiday there a couple of years ago, with fond memories of castles and bird watching. I also issued advice on a career in publishing for the benefit of her son.

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A fold-up four-seater bicycle (Rousse)

Posted on December 6, 2020 by Dreamaticus

EH offered me a lift home from work: on her fold-up four-seater bicycle.

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Blond cat-whiskered half-gorilla baby swept out to sea (Rousse)

Posted on December 5, 2020 by Dreamaticus

She really was a beautiful baby, with a beaming smile and a few tufts of blond hair. I thought, however, that the cat whiskers were rather out of place on her sweet face – until someone explained to me that her father was a gorilla.

Whatever her parentage, I agreed to babysit her on a boat for a couple of hours. This would be no trouble at all, I claimed.

I was wrong. The baby mysteriously turned into a long blue balloon, then a gust of wind took her from my arms and swept her out to sea. How would explain this to her loving parents?

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Tiger shopping deterrent on Easter Road (Rousse)

Posted on November 29, 2020 by Dreamaticus

Three tigers lived in the posh dress shop on Easter Road.  Despite the glamorous proprietor’s assurances that the tigress and her two cubs were ‘perfectly harmless’, there was no chance that I would ever tempted to enter and browse the clothes rails while they were in residence.

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