Illegal immigrant civil engineer offers advice for an ample bosom (Rousse)

Had I been a couple of feet closer to the passageway, the man who emerged backwards carrying a long rake could have decapitated me. I should have paid more attention when I first saw the broom and hosepipe stacked up against the wall on Melgund Terrace, Edinburgh.

I wondered whether the man was an immigrant street cleaner. The city streets could certainly do with some attention at the height of summer. When I asked him, he told me that he was indeed currently employed in this minimum wage role, but was also looking for work more suited to his qualifications as a civil engineer. He then used his professional knowledge to examine the structure of my bra, concluding that it was unsuitable for my ample bosom.

A squad of police officers brought our conversation to a sudden halt. Their fearsome female boss told me the shocking news that my new friend was an illegal immigrant from Nigeria and due to be deported.

I made a dash for my friend Leah at the council. She had the skills and knowledge to deal with this situation. However, she was sorry to tell me that she had no influence whatsoever on deportation cases such as this. Even if she did, she was far too busy to help.

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The husband clone (Rousse)

My problems more than doubled when my husband was cloned. Which man was which? How long would the clone last? If one died, how soon afterwards would the other follow?

Then there was the issue of explaining this bizarre situation to everyone. When even our two year-old nephew X noticed that something was different, I vowed never to allow the husband pair together in the same room when we had company.

The only person left unperturbed by all this was my demented 85 year-old mother.

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Sir Keir Starmer in platform shoes

Sir Keir Starmer in tottering platform shoes was a useful distraction on the day of my mother’s funeral.

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Action-packed Pitlochry (Rousse)

BR was busy organising meetings to address his latest work predicament, my sister J was about to arrive in town at the invitation of her daughter A, and my deceased father was almost completely submerged in the water of Loch Faskally fishing for salmon. It was all happening in Pitlochry.

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Adventures with a Ford Granada (Rousse)

I took my mother’s car keys without her knowledge and set off in the Granada to the meeting at the Royal Society of Edinburgh. I followed the car in front, stupidly assuming that the driver was also heading in the same direction as me.

I felt rather foolish when the driver pulled into the golf club, parked in the car park, and pulled his clubs out of his boot. I would have parked next to him had I known where to find the brake on the Granada. Instead I lost control of the vehicle and bounced across the greens until the car came to a standstill in a bunker, much to the disgust of the golfers.

Conscious of the urgency of reaching the meeting, I restarted the car and drove the rest of the way to Hexham. I parked the car in a side street and took myself, plus pen and paper for minute taking, to join the others at the board table.

By the time that the meeting was over, I had completely forgotten the location of the car. I hunted all the side streets to the west end and back again, passing the police station, brothel, and the wide expanse of the Seil.

Still car-less I bumped into my cousin R. He told me that he had an amazing secret to share, but he couldn’t get it out.

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An aeroplane exit and an Edinburgh Fringe entry (Rousse)

I paid attention as the air steward ran through the safety announcement.

The instructions had changed. In an emergency, we were to exit through the roof of the plane. The route was through small marked holes in the ceiling. We should now check the small saucer-sized circles above our heads.

If I breathed in, I might be able to squeeze my way out, but what about the overweight man in the row in front of me?

I stopped worrying about all this when Avery (the young American woman seated next to me) complained that she couldn’t find her entry in the Edinburgh Fringe programme. I found it in seconds.  She wasn’t looking hard enough.

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Axe-wielding climate change protesters damage personal property (Rousse)

I ran back to the train carriage just in time to collect my forgotten belongings. A few seconds later, and the cleaners would have scooped up everything for disposal.

Out of the station and onto the Edinburgh streets, I ran into a climate change rally. Protesters were marching along Lothian Road wielding axes.

I stopped in my tracks with a scream when a modest-looking middle class woman nicked my clothing with her weapon. Highly embarrassed, she helped me out of my grey cashmere cardigan with a promise to darn the garment and return it to me.

I continued my walk home amongst the protesters. Along the route I fell into conversation with another woman. She advocated for a local host scheme that offered a ‘good time’ to business visitors to the city. She explained that rather than sit in a hotel room preparing for her meetings the next day, she would much prefer a riotous night on the town with teacher training students.

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Starvation with a side of stag beetles (Belle)

My mother served me a tiny dinner on a large plate. Nine peas! She was definitely trying to starve me.

I quickly forgot this shocking state of affairs when I saw my two, giant pet stag beetles on the patio. I asked them a burning question: “What exactly is the difference between puddings and cakes?”

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