I ran down the stairs from the top bedroom to make C a cup of tea and spotted two dark figures looming outside the glass front door. When I opened the door two police officers, drenched from the rain, angrily announced “At last” and burst into the house.

Officer One told me they were there because of a tip-off from C’s girlfriend. This is how I discovered C was cheating on me. More and more people kept arriving, most of them insinuating I had invited them or that they actually lived in my house. I spent time making endless pots of tea, only to discover that Officer Two had broken the milk jug. Fuming, I looked out of the front window and spotted my old friend Oo, who should have been in South America. “Come in, join the party”, I said loudly, only to whisper in her ear “The rozzers are here”.

By now the house was full. I was placed at the head of a long, long table. The man sitting at the other end started to make a speech but the table was so long, I couldn’t hear a word – although I knew what he was saying was really important. I had to shout at two posh lawyers who were chatting loudly near me to “Shut the heck up” and they sniggered.

Eventually, a senior officer arrived and I attempted to complain to her about the heartache of the broken milk jug and the revelation that my boyfriend had a girlfriend. She agreed with me and started to tell me about her divorce.