I was a bigamist five times over and now feared detection. So, dressed in a white sailor’s uniform complete with brass buttons, I escaped the police by boarding the cruise ship Botswana in Ullapool harbour. I looked forward to completing the journey as an anonymous crew member, then would ditch my disguise at our final destination and start a new life in Africa. If this plan failed and my identity was uncovered en route, I would simply end it all by throwing myself overboard.

I hoped that my ‘husbands’ had it in their heart to forgive me, especially the two of whom I was most fond: (1) my long-term favourite TPR; (2) my most recent groom, the school teacher from Inverness.