The food at this conference WAS good, I admitted begrudgingly. This didn’t stop me shouting loudly that the slices of Spanish omelette were too large.  The person responsible for the catering success was Australian comedian Chris Lilley, whom I had previously denounced as only getting the job because it was “man’s work”.

There were a lot of rottweilers attending the conference and a girl with great legs kept standing on her hands and showing off her red pants. I met old school friends, one of whom said that he was recovering from brain surgery and his aftercare programme involved sniffing talcum powder.

I had a makeover at the conference and was astonished at how good I looked. The secret, apparently, was to always use a hairbrush to apply lipstick.