A motorcycle tour of the Outer Hebrides (Rousse)

Three of us squeezed onto the tiny motorbike to tour the Outer Hebrides. BC was our driver, TPR sat at the back, and I was squeezed between the two of them.

BC had no experience of winding single track roads. Even though I warned her of every upcoming bend, I knew that it would not be long before we came off the road.

Inevitably we fell on a bend at the brow of a hill. It was a soft landing in the heather at the road side, and no other vehicles were in sight at the time. This was just as well because none of us were wearing protective motorcycle headgear at the time (although later we ‘borrowed’ some cycle helmets).

There were two other problems with this holiday. First, the guest house was no longer offering dinner in the evenings. Second, TPR grew a moustache and wore his hair dark again – a sure sign to me that he was having a affair with BC.

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Unwelcome house-mates (Rousse)

Entertaining L,T, P and S was much  more difficult now that we lived in shared accommodation with PhD students. I was hoping that I could shoo the others away the night that I was hosting our dinner party, but I no longer had any authority over the students now that I was retired.

Rather than sit at the dinner table in sight of the others, L,T, P and S donned towelling dressing gowns and headed for the sauna.

Later, and for the millionth time, S questioned me on the point of our Christmas newsletter.

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A cat and a cleaner (Rousse)

My former neighbour JS cradled a beautiful tabby cat in her arms. It was a leaving present from her friends.

The cat, however, was not the focus of our conversation. Rather, JS wanted to show her displeasure at my nephew PMF, who had suggested that JS employ his friend Maria as her cleaner.

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University selection criteria (Rousse)

The prospective student from Stockton-on-Tees visited campus with his mother, grandmother, and aunts.

He stated that he wanted to study Physics. Since we did not offer a degree in this subject, I started ‘selling’ Computing and Engineering, highlighting that two of the professors in the School were from his home town.

He wasn’t persuaded by me, but when he heard the University choir along the corridor practising for the Christmas concert, he declared ‘I want to study at a University where people can sing like that!’

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Highland glamour (Rousse)

I thought that we would not make it when the Indian driver lost control of the car in the snow. Luckily we survived the skids, entered the beautiful glen, and our journey was complete at the point that the road ended at the jetty on the loch.

The scene before us was just as described in the novel. The ancient hotel was just along the shoreline, and the castle across the water.

That evening, the châtelaine and her ladies came by boat to join is at the hotel. For reclusive inhabitants of the Highlands they were were glamorous. Each was dressed in a neat, primary coloured, skirt suit that must have been the height of fashion in the late 1960s. They all were fully made-up, coiffed, and displaying stunning jewellery. I felt rather scruffy in their company. Moreover, they put the state of the shabby hotel to complete shame.

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Prince William caught in tatty blazer (Rousse)

One of my duties as nanny to Princes William and Harry was to put the pair of them on the train to Eton.

When I let the brothers down to the platform, I noticed a tear in Prince William’s turquoise blazer.

‘This will not do at all,’ I scolded him, fearful of the fuss that the press would make over his scruffy appearance.

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Severed toddler’s hand doubles up as business card (Rousse)

Due to a microphone mix-up, I now looked a complete fool. The problem was that it was my turn to speak, but the mic that I was holding was silent. Meanwhile, an idiotic woman was blethering into the one that was live. With all eyes turned on me, everyone thought that the idiotic woman’s words were mine.

Afterwards, one of the few people who deigned to acknowledge me asked about a possible research role in my group. I said that I would let her know of any opportunities and asked for her business card. She didn’t have one on her, so instead passed over a sticky resin model of a severed toddler’s hand.

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A702 bike thefts (Rousse)

The huge traffic jam on the A702 held up all travellers, including cyclists (like TPR on my bike) and runners (including me). When the lights finally changed, we were pleased to take to the road again – until TPR remembered that he had left my bike behind at the side of the road.

By the time that we rushed back to the hedge where we had been waiting, pre-teen criminals had already lifted my bike, taken the wheels off, and scorched all identifying marks from its bodywork. They had done the same for all other unattended bikes.

Their long-haired greasy father grinned from ear-to-ear as we pleaded for the return of our belongings, claiming that they were now longer ours, but now his.

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Brad Pitt in the bedroom (Rousse)

Brad Pitt was in our bedroom, stretched out on a single bed, chatting to TPR (his new best friend). I wondered if Brad could introduce me to Hugh Grant?

It was so funny when SC came into the room and didn’t notice our A lister guest.

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Orange running shoe thief (Rousse)

I was going to run back, but the route was all uphill and sitting on the tram was a more attractive option. Once inside the carriage, I was even able to take off my orange running shoes and pop them into my grey handbag.

Of course, I forgot the bag when I left the tram. I returned to look for my running shoes only to find that someone else was already wearing them. The woman’s husband had even had time to shave down the heels and soles to his wife’s requirements, so now the shoes were of no use to me at all. I let the woman keep them.

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