Dressed only in my light white cotton nightie, I was locked out of my mother’s car at an agricultural show.
I looked like a sad ghost wandering past the pens of livestock and craft stalls in the vast field, hunting for the car keys.
Dressed only in my light white cotton nightie, I was locked out of my mother’s car at an agricultural show.
I looked like a sad ghost wandering past the pens of livestock and craft stalls in the vast field, hunting for the car keys.
David Tennant continued chattering even after I asked everyone, including him, to pay attention to my funny story.
That morning I had woken up, dressed, and made my way to work – all without checking the time. Campus wasn’t open at 6:15am so I to make my way home again across the boggy moorland, all by myself.
You might have thought that the famous actor would have been fascinated by my anecdote, or at least have the manners to feign interest.
Life would be a lot easier if I lodged with archeologist RJ at least one night a week in her shared flat in Newington. So we made an arrangement for me to start a trial run on Wednesday.
I bought my provisions – as far as I could – from an understocked supermarket just along the road, helped by JM who flung packs of processed cheese slices at me. All the packaging split as the cheese slices hit the aisle, but JM didn’t care. The supermarkets could afford the loss.
I soon realised that my new accommodation arrangement was not going to work. I hated sharing a bedroom and kitchen facilities, and I was furious when my Scarpa shoes went missing from the shoe rack at the front door. Someone had obviously clocked their value and stolen them, along with my £600 calf skin orthotics.
My holiday in a mystery European city was turning into a disaster. When I asked “where am I?” people thought I was joking and refused to answer. The road layout kept on changing, and the students who were hosting me were starting to get irritated by my phone calls asking them to find me and bring me back to their home.
At last it was time to return home. But I couldn’t remember if I was travelling by train or plane. I kept asking my hosts but they were distracted with “more important stuff”. By now I had lost my phone, my suitcase, had no money and was wandering the streets. Eventually, and completely accidentally, I found my way back to the apartment block, only to discover that everyone had been evicted and the building was being demolished. No wonder my hosts had been distracted – now we were all homeless.
What was my mother’s old recliner-riser chair doing back in our sitting room?
Why was my sister’s cat rolling round on the floor?
And – more to the point – how had my sister managed to get into the house overnight to set up camp in our study?
While trying to explain the enormous pumpkin I had accidentally grown, and which was now stored on the kitchen floor, I told my neighbour it was caused by ‘probundance’ – problematic abundance.
I woke up on a park bench and saw I was wearing a very ugly pair of bulky black shoes. I asked my companion what had happened. He explained that I had been ‘blackout drunk’ and had gone on a shopping spree, declaring that this was the day I was giving up high heel shoes. I could not accept this story. I had never been drunk in my entire life. Nor would I have willingly thrown away a pair of stiletto shoes.
Later that day, I went to a party and stayed out all night. The sun was pouring into the party house and I sat on a sofa trying to remember how I’d got there. Strangers kept telling me “the party’s over” but I did not take the hint to leave until five people sat on me, squashing me flat.
I got into a jostling-style altercation with a Strictly Come Dancing professional dancer and I shouted “You just prance around on the telly for a living”.
When I discovered that I was pregnant, my first thought was for our holiday plans next year. To my surprise, my husband was unconcerned.
It took some time before I questioned how someone aged 62 could find herself in this position. Did I really want to take care of a teenager into my 70s?
One of Professor SR’s tiny ear-rings dropped to the ground. All the staff gathered around her tried to recover it by scratching through the dirt and dust, but I was the one who found it.
She told me that she was very grateful for the efforts of a ‘stranger’. I replied with the explanation that I was connected to her more closely than she might imagine, especially through my links to Professors DM and JS.