Saved by Sherlock (Belle)

Posted on September 13, 2023 by Dreamaticus

I had been framed and imprisoned for a massive jewel heist but was broken out of prison by Sherlock Holmes.

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Andy Warhol and a life-changing packet of crisps (Belle)

Posted on September 12, 2023 by Dreamaticus

I had won a place at a prestigious university in New York alongside Andy Warhol and Gary Numan. I had failed to prepare for my first day and got hopelessly lost on an antiquated subway system, arriving late for my first lecture. Then I was expelled for noisily rustling a packet of crisps. I hadn’t even lasted a day.

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Blind man shrinks in well (Rousse)

Posted on September 12, 2023 by Dreamaticus

The black Labrador barked frantically above the well opening. Beneath him his blind owner was drowning. We managed to pull the man out of the water.

He was alive, but had shrunk to the size of a doll.

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Playing pig games with David Mitchell (Rousse)

Posted on September 12, 2023 by Dreamaticus

David Mitchell and a bunch of friends walked into the games room just at the point that we were to start play.

I knew that it would be much more fun for our two parties to join forces at the larger games table, so I was delighted when David himself made this suggestion. He even offered to teach us the advanced ‘piggy’ version of the game.

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Moral opposition to second homes (Rousse)

Posted on September 10, 2023 by Dreamaticus

Setting off on a hill walk in yellow Crocs was a bad idea, but not as stupid as buying a modern three storey house on a remote Scottish island with an unpronounceable name that sounded like a sneeze.

We’d only seen the house once, had never visited the tiny main town, and had no idea of the frequency of the ferry service. The furthest that we had ventured was a café drowning in chintz, and crammed with patterned china and heavy lead crystal.

Worst of all, I felt such a hypocrite. How could I justify our purchase to AC having only recently explained to her that I was morally opposed to second homes?

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Ghost walking with Steve Pemberton (Belle)

Posted on September 9, 2023 by Dreamaticus

My life was now the plot of a 1970s thriller. As yet unknown enemies had sunk my small boat in the harbour and I was back on land, attempting to blend in with the customers of an organised ghost walk in Borough Market. The leader of the walk turned around and waved an umbrella at a derelict-looking front door, saying “Now, there’s a story to be told here”. Realising our guide was Steve Pemberton, I said to myself “Uh-oh, this is NOT going to end well”.

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Hospitality industry staffing shortages (Rousse)

Posted on September 4, 2023 by Dreamaticus

I overheard TPR intimating that we would be more than willing to look after our landlady’s guest house on the Saturday of our week’s stay. Then he gave this stranger a detailed analysis of our financial standing. It appeared that she had judged our status on the basis of our tiny second hand car.

TPR had completely forgotten that our entire visit was built around a wedding that we were attending on Saturday (and we certainly had no need to earn any extra cash). There was no way that I was taking on the temporary role of chamber maid and bar maid to please anyone.

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Misplaced Midlands towns (Rousse)

Posted on September 3, 2023 by Dreamaticus

After delivering my lecture on the management of book groups, I met my old school mates for another of our ad hoc reunions.

The location of the venue was meant to be a surprise. When I opened my eyes I saw that I was standing next to a Dunlop factory on the edge of a new housing estate, with a small town visible in the distance.

The others asked me to guess where I was. They congratulated me on my suggestion of the Midlands, then held up postage stamps that commemorated the 150th anniversary of the Stockton to Darlington railway in 1975. This was rather confusing: Stockton and Darlington are not in the Midlands. Could they think (incorrectly) that York – with its railway museum – was?

My school mates deemed York a very poor guess. They announced the right answer (inexplicably) as Durham.

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Donating rhubarb to the Dutch (Rousse)

Posted on August 31, 2023 by Dreamaticus

My efforts exceeded all expectations.

Not only did I donate two of the plumpest rhubarb stalks to the war effort, I also led others to the Dutch embassy next to Buckingham Palace to ensure that they also made their own mandated contributions.

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