Belle’s box of chocolates

As the guest of a complete stranger at a dinner party in New York, I was pleased to receive a box of ‘Green and Blacks’ chocolates called Flavours of the Forest. I ignored the ‘acorn cluster’ but got very excited by the ‘hawthorn cream’.

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Sir Paul McCartney in stand-off with serial adulterer

Sir Paul McCartney was completely taken aback by the accusation that he did little to support the British music industry. As TPR berated him in public, the former Beatle took on the appearance of an ordinary little grey-haired old man, powerless to respond.

This was just the latest in a series of episodes in which I was beginning to question why I tolerated marriage to TPR. He was certainly a very attractive man for his age, but I did not approve of his picking on the elderly, nor romancing just about every woman with whom he came into contact. There was clear evidence that he had already worked his way round every female member of staff at his office (including a full-blown affair with someone called Julie), and now rumours were circulating that he had embarked on the conquest of each his colleagues’ wives.

Paul McCartney elsewhere on Dreamaticus:

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A car park reunion and worthy hotel labour (Rousse)

It had been quite a while since I’d seen school friend ST so I was delighted when we were reunited in the car park. I dared myself to invite him to join me for lunch and was astonished and grateful when he agreed. I also wondered whether the time had come when I should finally confess how often he visited me in my dreams? After all, I could never be certain when I would next see him. Once again I chickened out and instead gave him a guided tour of my red Fiat Stilo.

Another day I was back in the US in another huge chain hotel where TPR was attending a conference. Strangely we had separate rooms and could only communicate by the hotel phone system. However, the great advantage of this arrangement was that I found peace to work. I looked down on the other wives and partners who, I noticed with horror, were so irresponsible that they started their day of doing absolutely nothing downing tumblers of red wine.

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Belle makes Danny Baker laugh

When I walked into the bar two things immediately struck me. The first was that the bar was fitted with a hi-tech system that monitored eye movements whenever drinkers stared at each others’ bottoms. The second was that Danny Baker stood behind the bar. Upon ordering my drink, I arranged my loose coins onto his head so he had a perfect flat top hair style.

Not only was Danny serving drinks but he was also dj-ing and he stopped chatting to mix in Born Free. As I looked through his record box I said, “Let’s play record box poker. We will draw records out of our record boxes and see who wins”. I knew I had some great records in my box and I had a good chance of winning. Later in the evening I pointed out that the yellow box of insect killer (‘kills ickle insects’) said ‘gluten free’ on the top and I made him laugh. I felt as if I was at last a fulfilled human being.

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A glimpse of summer and fears of infection (Rousse)

ET-S and I couldn’t believe our luck when we wandered down to the shore and discovered soft golden sand, gentle waves, and water the temperature of a warm bath. I dived straight in still wearing my clothes before everything returned to the normality of dismal grey again.

Later I met a man who shared my musical tastes and discussed the merits of Elbow with him.

Then I caught up with TPR and wondered whether I would pass on any nasty diseases to him as a result of my straying in the past.

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Rousse rejects a lover and kills a cat

The arrangements for our holiday were hardly ideal. I hadn’t managed to finish my conference paper in time so was obliged to take a stack of work with me, and when we arrived in Antigua we found that we’d been allocated beds in two different dormitories distant from one another. I was sharing with three men!

On the first morning I couldn’t find TPR so I ended up sharing breakfast with a broad-shouldered blond Dutchman and his cat. Within minutes my dining partner declared his undying love for me and threatened a sixth suicide attempt if I refused to return his affections. He followed me back to my dormitory and I eventually got rid of him by pushing him out of the window. Unfortunately I shoved the cat just a little too hard. It crash-landed with a miaow and a splat on the street below. Just as I was about to close the window I saw TPR out of the corner of my eye. He had witnessed everything. He drew the worst of conclusions: his wife had picked up a good-looking stranger in a hotel, taken him back to her bedroom, and afterwards sneaked him out via the window. For days afterwards my disgusted husband refused to respond to my tweets.

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Rousse’s new best friend is Princess Diana

Princess Diana (my new best friend) and I lounged side-by-side for our girly chat. She permitted me to ask her anything I liked so long as the conversation didn’t descend into tabloid interview. I thought that I was doing OK until she pointed out that I seemed a little over-obsessed with her rumoured OCD.

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It was one of the most beautiful days of the summer, yet I couldn’t explain why I had decided against sunbathing outside our wee railway cottage. However my preference for organising my collection of high-heeled patent leather shoes indoors probably saved my life. When I heard the screech of the brakes I ran to the window. Scattered over the ground I saw half a dozen bodies and various disconnected limbs. Soon afterwards I spoke to my mother on the phone to assure her that we had not been hurt when the train derailed. She told me that the BBC was reporting the fatalities just outside Stevenage. I had no idea that we lived so far south.

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Flood, fire and knitting (Rousse)

Although our house was not as grand as those of our neighbours with their massive tiled entrance halls, I was still distraught to learn that it had been damaged by a combination of flood and fire. Especially annoying was that my new suit from Hobbs looked fine from a distance, but on closer inspection it was obvious that I would never be able to wear it again due to visible staining.

My sister S was also concerned with clothing. In front of her was a pile of knitting patterns, all of which featured grey-haired ladies sporting saggy blue cardigans. I volunteered to try my hand at cable stitch, but soon got into a complete pickle. The man clicking his needles opposite me smiled smugly to himself, then announced snootily that the French could not knit either. Another man at the table was working on a tiny bottle green garment. This was a bib for Baby Ted. While I racked my brain trying to work out how this man could possibly know of my sister J’s teddy’s predilection for woollen garments, he finished his work, fetched Baby Ted from beneath the White House drawing room window, and tied the bib around Baby Ted’s tiny neck.

On another day a university friend and I were heading out for a walk and coffee when we heard beautiful singing coming from a bus shelter. The voice belonged to another friend AW. All were delighted to see one another, AW joined us at the cafe, but declined the invitation to come back to the flat with us. Her refusal concerned her mad ex-husband and the mistaken belief that I was harbouring him at my flat.

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Belle’s knickers exposed

I was eating breakfast at the conference hotel when my eye was drawn to the programme broadcasting live on the television screens. The young presenter was rummaging through my bedroom and holding up my underwear to the camera.

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Smoking, stress, dress-making and gypsies (Rousse)

PhD student VW held out the cigarette and I made a grab for it. Smoking would cure my stress. JA, also completing a PhD, accompanied me to the market to buy dress-making material.

Later on I had to deal with the family of gypsies that had staked out a camp in the middle of Darlington Road.

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