How to survive the first week of term (Rousse)

My work life was falling to pieces:

  • the only computer available to me for running a complex statistical package was an ancient XT;
  • my first tutorial of the academic year lasted only 30 minutes because I hadn’t prepared enough material;
  • I was forced to field student complaints about a colleague unsure as to whether or not these had any grounds;
  • the green booklet for my pirate hooch treasure hunt outreach project came back from the print room littered with typos.

No wonder PC and I retreated to my office where we consumed vast quantities of hard drugs in an attempt to alleviate the stress of the start of the new academic year.

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A jewel theft, a music venue and a dog fight (Belle)

It was pointless denying it. My sister had itchy fingers and was now in possession of the world-famous ‘Banging-blue Sapphire’ which was fully two inches across. She had slipped it into her handbag while shopping for ‘vertical knickers’.

Meanwhile, the sixth formers had made an unlikely commercial venture out of two caves which they had decorated to look like a sixth form common room. Apparently really famous indie bands were fighting to play gigs there.

I broke up a fight between a rottweiler and a collie dog in which the collie was the aggressor.

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How to find love: happy relationship remarriage (Rousse)

I trailed the country as a guest at numerous weddings as all my school and university friends signed up to the new craze of “happy relationship remarriage”. This wasn’t about finding a different life-partner, nor renewing vows with any incumbent husband. It was simply the consequence of the growing desire amongst middle-aged women to enjoy another wedding without the hassle of getting divorced from one husband and hunting down a new one.

Each wedding day was memorable: KN’s new nuptials were timed to take place in the middle of a magic show; on the way to JS’s ceremony I lost my violet straw hat; and JC managed to drag everyone up to an Italian restaurant in Glasgow for her celebrations. (Distracted by the beautiful architecture, I got lost on the way to the latter. A man in a black pork pie hat turned me away from the church door just as I realised that this was the venue for a funeral.)

In the middle of all this I still managed to attend Sunday morning meetings about teaching on campus with MR, and to type up feedback for PhD students by networking seven ancient PCs and laptops to my MacAir in a tiny attic room.

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Gothic novel dramatisation set to be one of the best films of 2011 (Rousse)

The elder of the two middle-aged sisters stirred in the cramped brass bed then stuck her left foot out from under the flowered eiderdown with a groan. She awoke with a loud complaint about the state of spinsterhood in Victorian England, as was her daily routine.

Set in nineteenth century Corbridge decades before improved rail and road links transformed the village into a dormitory town for Newcastle, the dramatisation of my best-selling gothic novel was sure to be a huge cinematic hit. The accompanying fame would release me from the tedium of applying for school teaching roles for which I was unqualified, cleaning toilets left in a dreadful state by autistic mathematical geniuses, and listening to KA drone on about the marvel of fuel efficiency that was her new washing machine.

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Stephen Fry saves the world (Belle)

Not only was I mixing in the highest of social circles in post WWII Europe, but I looked absolutely fabulous in my lavendar chiffon evening gown. As I climbed the stone stairs carved into mountain on my way to the champagne reception, I saw Stephen Fry stepping through the Ambassador’s private gate. It was obvious he was going to be a high-level advisor and I felt that the future of the world was in safe hands.

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Checking in at the Institute of Directors (Rousse)

I was keen to win a FourSquare check-in at the Institute of Directors in London so during the seminar lunch break I wandered the building, hunting for a signal. There was nothing on the ground floor so I took the stairs up from the main reading room just off reception in the hope of finding a couple of bars further up. Unfortunately the stairs came to an abrupt halt after fifteen steps. I hurried back down again, battling the beginnings of vertigo. I knew that the lift was an option, but it was a huge, cavernous, yet enclosed, space. I gave that a miss too: adding claustrophobia to vertigo was inadvisable.

I gave up on my FourSquare quest and instead joined the trainee lawyers on a midday run across a muddy park in the dark. I was the only one who was not frightened by bad-tempered Judge LW. We kept our summer meeting in a Finnish guest house secret from everyone else.

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Compensation for lost luggage (Rousse)

The first bag to go missing was a carry-on sized hard-shelled suitcase (metallic grey with purple trim). I’d left it in the care of the bus driver after he had dropped me off just outside the new premises of the consulting firm in central London. The driver confirmed that he’d keep the bag safe for me until I took my return journey with him to the station. What neither of us realised was that each of us was thinking of a different timescale: his was one day and mine was five. By Friday both the bus driver and the vehicle on the route had changed. DC offered all the sympathy he could for my lost luggage while I wondered why his new work premises were furnished in the style of an olde worlde pub.

The second wandering bag was my rucksack. This time it was more serious because its contents included an exam paper. My route to invigilation duties was via the spanking new library at the newly refurbished campus on the outskirts of Edinburgh. Everyone had been raving about how it combined both university facilities and a public library. When I arrived there I also noticed that some of the employees were from the National Library of Scotland. It certainly was a beautiful space and greatly appreciated by the local community. I lost track of time as I perused the shelves looking for something that would keep me entertained for the two hours that I was forced spend in silence in the exam hall. I had considered reading journal articles, but with contact lenses (rather than glasses) that day my eyesight just wasn’t up to the small print. Instead I headed towards the public library stock. Then I noticed that it was already 10:00, the appointed start time for the exam. I hurried to get my arms down the sleeves of my jacket and Barbour coat, grab my bag and get out of the door. However, I really struggled with the first task and got all tangled up in my clothing. A stranger offered assistance and I accepted. Instead of helping me into my coat, however, he grabbed me by the waist and plonked me on his shoulders. The only person tall enough to rush to the rescue was JM. Unfortunately, in the meantime, my rucksack and its vital contents had all vanished.

Later I sat with my paternal grandmother and others watching old film footage of the family on video. Granny hardly flinched when Grandpa made an appearance. When he started misbehaving on camera we all finally understood the roots of the family’s strange sense of humour.

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Debbie Harry impersonator stars at isolated Yorkshire guest house (Rousse)

The isolated guest house on the North Yorkshire moors was well-known for its strict graduate-only entry policy. I travelled there by car with Belle and a stranger. We couldn’t compete with his credentials as a UCL-based Jane Austen expert with a regular spot on BBC Radio 4’s Front row. He knew it, sneering with superiority, and (mistakenly) referring to our lowly admin roles. We both got the impression that he thought we were filing clerks of some description. We never found out what he made of the guest who was later forced to confess at a makeshift alter that she had never completed her degree.

The elderly couple who ran the guest house spent each morning baking. Guests were welcome to join in with the job of rolling out the pastry when the weather was poor. TPR and I gave this a go, but it was a tedious task. We’d rather listen to the fantastic Debbie Harry impersonator sing her way through the Blondie repertoire. However, we were aghast at the shockingly explicit lyrics. How did these get past us as teenagers? What instead did we mouth at YPF discos? We would also have liked to play Scrabble, but the non-graduate was in the middle of a game, possibly hoping to win and prove that she was worthy company for the rest of the highly-qualified guests.

When the weather eventually improved TPR and I set off across the moors by bike. I soon lost TPR, who sped into the distance ahead of me, apparently with no care for my safety. I travelled for miles on my own. When I eventually reached a sign that said “Stockton 4 miles” I realised that I had perhaps gone a bit too far. I reached for my mobile phone to track down TPR. Of course this was pointless: he never carries a mobile and – even if he did – there would be no signal here.

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Dog and documentation disaster (Rousse)

As EH passed the Patch the Jack Russell terrier over to me in the office I worked out that he must be at least 35 years old. He also a long way from his home with the S family in Stockton-on-Tees. Unfortunately poor Patch wasn’t feeling very well and threw up in transit. Now I was in a real dilemma: to rush home and change into clean clothes, to soothe the dog, or to complete documentation for a meeting due to start in an hour. It was a relief to learn that my boss was about to set off on a business trip to Canada and that the meeting task could wait.

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The crossed asparagus spears of London (Belle)

My friend AD was showing me a magazine feature on personalised registration plates and the people to whom they belonged – plus how much they had paid for them. We spotted a few people we knew.

By far the most expensive number plate was the one depicting ‘the crossed asparagus spears of the City of London’.

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