Sexual harassment and a sermon at Smithfield Market (Belle)

I was walking home from work through the lawless streets of Clerkenwell, when a young man hid behind a lamppost and shouted suggestive insults at me. I was ‘rescued’ by an extremely posh young woman who insisted I report the incident to ‘Security’. On arriving at an office, the security guards studiously ignored me. Eventually, one of the guards stood up and and pulled on a white t-shirt with a golden cross on it. “You should attend my sermon”, he said.

Later I discovered that the posh young woman had been arrested by the security guards for abducting a baby. I worked hard to clear her name and the charges were eventually dropped.

I was given a new council house as a reward.

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A book, a bereavement, and butcher’s pie (Rousse)

Nearly everyone I knew had read the tragic novel, loved it, and discussed it whenever the opportunity arose. The one exception was my gym friend L. Whenever she approached any of us, we swiftly changed the topic of conversation.

L had good reason to disapprove of the book. Her friend Lavinia had committed suicide after reading it, and someone else that L knew was seriously ill as a consequence of taking the tragic plot line too literally.

We learnt all this when tucking into an enormous ‘butcher’s pie’. It was the length and breadth of a farmhouse kitchen table.

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David Morrissey and the tallest tree in Catford (Belle)

Browsing in a charity shop, I discovered treasure – three hand-painted plates featuring a figure standing in a country lane. I recognised them immediately – they were limited edition David Morrissey plates.

Delighted with my purchase I walked to Catford to visit JB. On the way, I came across a small encampment of protesters – they were fighting to stop the removal of ‘The Tallest Tree’. I had to admit I had never even noticed this tree before, but it hurt my neck to look up to the top – it was hundreds of feet tall.

I rang JB’s bell and she answered the door in a small motorised go-cart. She explained that she had built an extension and the house was simply too big to walk around – she had go-carts for visitors in the hallway. We drove to the kitchen and drank tea. Excitedly I told her about my new plates, but JB looked at me blankly. “Belle, Dave Morrissey has been my lodger for three months – we learn gymnastics together.” “But I want to learn gymnastics with David Morrissey”, I wailed pettishly.

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Plenty of room at mother’s upgraded house (Rousse)

Auntie SS showed me and my sister J around my mother’s recently upgraded house.

The kitchen was vastly enlarged with brand new units installed. It was also exceptionally tidy. Several new bedrooms had been added, all kitted out with brand new furniture. Even my long-dead 105 year-old maternal grandmother (now known as Claire) was sleeping peacefully in her own room.

The only poor planning decision was to extend the entrance hall and compromise on the height of the front door. Anyone over the height of six feet would have to stoop to enter.

My sister J and I realised that we could no longer use the excuse of ‘There is nowhere for us to sleep’ whenever we wanted to turn down invitations to visit.

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Womble mask victim’s corpse encased in concrete (Rousse)

One of MH’s new American students dropped dead during a game of ‘Womble mask’. How embarrassing, we thought – and what were we supposed to do with the body?

With the help of builder Brian, TPR and I came up with a solution. We threw the corpse into a skip, piled some discarded masonry on top of it, then covered everything with a layer of concrete.

We considered cloaking the ‘grave’ with a beautiful multi-coloured cloth, but Brian advised us against this. We wouldn’t want to draw attention to the location of the ‘missing’ student now, would we?

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A reluctant comedy writer (Rousse)

A bunch of friends came to visit us. Some stayed in our main rental flat with the enormous high-sided bath, while others lodged in the smaller one next door. (We also owned a very run-down flat in Leith, although neither of us had visited it in years and couldn’t be certain whether it still stood.)

One of our guests was extremely excited. A television production company loved the comedy script! Would she and her two co-authors kindly sign the enclosed contract so that recording could start as soon as possible?

RH (very slim) immediately reached for a pen. However, TPR shook his head. There was no way that he was letting his writing loose on the wider world.

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From coercive control to kidnapping (Rousse)

I shared a cubicle at work with two women, who also lived together. The elder one regularly complained about her flatmate’s noisy bedtime antics.

One day maintenance staff boxed in all the cubicles with black aquaboard. This was apparently ‘for safety reasons’, but it made it very difficult to enter and exit our place of work. Fortunately I had the strength to climb up the cubicle walls and out into the main office complex. My talents were put to good use whenever I wanted to visit other colleagues in their cubicles.

At the end of the week, I was reunited with TPR. We each drove our own BMWs – his red, mine silver – to our regular meeting spot. From the car park, I expected that we would return home in convoy in the usual way. However, TPR had other plans.

He grabbed my car keys, then locked my car. It was now impossible for me to access my possessions. Then he bundled me up and threw me onto the back seat of his car, took the front passenger seat for himself, and instructed an unfamiliar driver to take us north.

I needed to confess to someone the perilous state of my marriage. It now seemed that we had moved on from coercive control to kidnapping. I slid my phone out of my pocket and attempted to compose a WhatsApp message to send to my sisters. No matter how hard I tried to type the words, the autocorrect function mangled them into nonsense. Meanwhile, from the front of the car, TPR told me that he had cancelled our Sunday lunch guests.

Our final destination was a remote hotel. It might have been a romantic hideaway had I not been brought here by force – and housekeeping had cleaned the room properly. The head receptionist almost fired the chain smoking chamber maid on the spot when I asked if we might be offered alternative accommodation.

While a new bedroom was sought for us, I struggled to understand why my husband was so angry with me. After all, he was the one who had admitted to a string of affairs. (He had absolutely no knowledge of my single indiscretion of many moons ago.)

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An octogenarian bedroom vandal (Rousse)

After my mother returned home following her stay with us, I popped into the spare bedroom to check that she had left everything in order. She had not.

A section of wallpaper and plaster from the wall above the radiator was missing. This left a six inch long half moon shape in the middle of the wall. It stood out like a scar in the newly decorated room.

I was inconsolable at this act of wanton vandalism.

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Fear of the French past historic tense (Rousse)

This was a University reunion with a difference: as part of the ‘celebrations’, we were all to sit the final year French essay exam. How could I possibly do this? The only graduates capable of such a feat would be those who went into teaching after completing their degrees.

I looked around at all the current academic staff in the French department and clocked that I recognised nobody. The tall lecturer with grey hair looked the most friendly so I approached him and begged that we would not be required to write in the past historic tense.

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A bumper garlic crop at the Annual Alien Horticulturists’ Convention (Rousse)

‘Hey, look at the size of that garlic head!’ I urged the rest of the family. ‘These aliens certainly know how to grow a bumper crop.’

They weren’t real aliens. Rather, they were keen gardeners who liked to dress up as their favourite characters from space adventure films and television shows. Their costumes were most impressive – the kind that you would expect to see on a Hollywood set.

We counted ourselves lucky to have booked into the hotel that was hosting the Annual Alien Horticulturists’ Convention at the same time as our stay.

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