Good turns in Paris and Edinburgh (Rousse)

When I came across FD looking lost at the top of Boulevard Raspail she admitted that she had never visited Paris before. I offered to show her the sights. We headed north towards to the river, the Louvre our first port of call.

Back in Edinburgh I worked with DE to make sense of her multiple Twitter accounts. It didn’t help that she was distracted by her own attempts to persuade a grey-haired lady to take up driving.

Later at the office I was sous chef to E, liquidising soup. Her speciality was tomato, and mine carrot.

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Police reopen case into dolly bird disappearance (Rousse)

I dressed in the black school uniform of my little brother and sister and accompanied them to class. None of the teachers spotted that I was an over-age imposter. When one of them confiscated my silver necklace at the school gate I feared that my cover would be blown. All attention, however, was focused on how I had transgressed the school rules. The fact that I was well into my 40s was of no interest to the teacher as she logged the details of the jewellery in her little book.

The purpose of the secret school mission was to discover what had become of our elder sister. She had mysteriously disappeared in the mid-1960s. Until recently I hadn’t even known of her existence. New evidence had encouraged the police to reveal all about her short and exciting life to me and my younger siblings.

At the height of her fame in the 1960s our sister was hanging out with all the top celebrities in swinging London. Now was the time to re-open the case into her sudden disappearance. The police fed a rumour to the criminal underworld that would lead the key players to me. Once apprehended in my company, the police would arrest and charge the prime suspects.

The plan worked brilliantly. Within minutes of passing through the school gates a (supposed) work man grabbed me in the school canteen, introduced himself as Frick, and told me how much he loved my sister. Just beyond him I could see another three men. It looked like they were also about to come forward. Then a journalist appeared. I hadn’t signed up for tabloid interrogation so I made a run for it.

Back in the sanctuary of my everyday world, and far removed from police plots, I was once again obsessed with office moves. The big question was whether or not I should take ownership of the vacant corner position with its large windows and fabulous views? I would make up my mind for certain after GW returned to Finland.

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Malcolm Bradbury and Diane Abbott predict the next bestseller (Rousse)

The big clue as to the location of the conference was the island visible across the stretch of water to the west. If that was the Isle of Man, then this was rural Cumbria. However, it was impossible to work out the conference theme from the mix of delegates. There was nothing obvious that Diane Abbott MP or Professor Sir Malcolm Bradbury had in common with my school friends NG and FF, commune favourite NY, or so-called knowledge management guru DS.

Still, I learnt a few interesting things from participating at this event: (1) all our oven gloves need a good wash; (2) you’ll be crushed to death if you attempt to travel on a paternoster lift designed for cargo; (3) when it snows indoors you should always avoid using the slippery stairs.

The best news, however, came in Professor Bradbury’s declaration that Dreamaticus pulls together all the right ingredients for a best-selling novel. Diane Abbott agreed enthusiastically. If only Sir Malcolm could return from the dead to pass on this news to a major publisher…

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Prime-time reality TV botanic bonus (Rousse)

I was the star of a prime-time reality TV show. Cut off from the rest of the world as the team leader of six adventurers, I was only allowed one short walkie-talkie call with my family over the course of the whole series. I couldn’t wait to tell my parents how we had nailed the recent task. In the short walk along the lane we had managed to collect, identify, organise, mount, label and frame 30 different leaf specimens. With that performance we would surely win the series!

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Alice in Wonderland attraction (Rousse)

The rules of the race stipulated that you would be disqualified if you placed a foot on concrete at any point during your run. I decided to make the wood my starting point and see what would happen.

Inevitably I couldn’t keep to the rules and soon I found myself joining AC, KL and RA for a standard trot along London Road. A short rest along the route turned into a whole afternoon of dressing up. Everyone was impressed with how I could enlarge and shrink my body just like Alice in Wonderland. This special talent proved extremely useful because it allowed me to try on all the clothes available.

The fun came to an abrupt halt when TPR summoned me by phone. He ordered me home immediately to cook his supper.

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A rotten job in Tibet (Belle)

I had gone to live with the ‘famous ice-makers and ice-breakers of Tibet’. It was now ice-breaking season and family groups, including tiny toddlers, were breaking the ice with pickaxes. However, as an outsider, I was required to serve an apprenticeship on the fish gutting production line where I inexpertly cut fish tails. I was paid in pig’s offal.

Fortunately, I got a new job operating a lift to the top floor of a tower block. When I got to the top, my friends C and M were living in what looked like a sixth form common room. Desperate to sit down, I made my way to the sofa only to be told to stay away. The sofa was delicately balanced on a pebble and no-one other than M was allowed to sit there.

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How to cook an elephant (Belle)

The cooking demonstration was underway and there was a palpable ripple of excitement in the audience as the cook revealed her main ingredient (baby elephant) and the cooking method (fiery pizza oven). Appalled, I decided the best thing for me to do was to leave the kitchen and go on a gap year.

Only as I set off to France the next day did I realise that I had no idea how to ‘do’ a gap year. I had no plans, no maps, no money and no wanderlust.

Later, I revisited my old school to discover it was a high tech ‘learning laboratory’ bursting with enthusiastic students doing independent study. It was also a futuristic hospital with patients lying in pods outside the public lavatories.

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Basking sharks and a bikini malfunction (Rousse)

I splashed along the Hebridean shoreline on a beautiful summer day. For company I had the birds and an occasional seal. I even spotted a few small basking sharks surprisingly close to the water’s edge. I couldn’t understand why TPR would want to hide away in the gym on a day like this. Still, I would meet him later at the pool for a swim.

When I found the car and retrieved my bathing costume from the boot I discovered that I had forgotten to pack my my bikini bottoms. However, I was determined that this mishap would not get in the way of a swim. I would simply wear my yellow cotton knickers in the pool. They wouldn’t go transparent in the water – or would they?

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One of my colleagues was pondering a job offer in the US. I told him that not even the promise of fabulous facilities on campus would ever draw me there. The fact was that if you took up a position as an academic in America, you would be obliged to live there too. The latter was not even worth the most casual consideration.

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Small frustrations blight playgirl lifestyle (Belle)

For no apparent reason I was now living the life of an international playgirl. I was staying in the world’s best hotels. I was dating rich, handsome men from countries I had never heard of. I could ski!

My latest boyfriend took me to meet his enormous family ‘in the Alps’. There he gave me a box of ugly, and no doubt expensive, jewellery which I had to pretend to like. Later, the hairdresser had double-booked me and I caused a scene. As it became obvious that the receptionist had not been trained in handling difficult customers, I became even more incensed. I walked up endless stairs (the lift was broken) to my fabulous suite and picked up the phone to continue my complaint. The telephone lead snapped in two. I was never going to get my highlights done.

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