Queen Victoria: stony history tutor (Rousse)

Princes Street at Christmas by Brendan MacNeill

Princes Street at Christmas by Brendan MacNeill

Whenever tourists complimented me on my extensive knowledge of Edinburgh I always acknowledged my source. My teacher was a statue of Queen Victoria.

Most believed that the sole function of the statue was to peer blankly down on Princes Street from the high bridge that bore Victoria’s name. In reality it (she) was tutoring me in Scottish history.

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Trendy Teflon tough tans (Belle)

Located in Devon, my new hall of residence was not particularly convenient for south east London. When I arrived at midnight the ‘moonlight harvest’ was in full swing.

Meanwhile, the latest craze at college was the all over Teflon spray-tan.

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Clegg house fire (Rousse)

It was not until I saw the extensive media coverage of the Clegg family house fire that I discovered that Nick, Miriam, Miguel, Antonio and Alberto lived just five doors round the corner from my Edinburgh basement flat.

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From Manchester to the Caribbean – and back again (Rousse)

P and Q lay back in their red and white striped deck chairs and soaked up the Caribbean sun. We commented on how wonderful it was for the four of us to find ourselves in the warmth once again. Q added that although she missed the others, she preferred it when we took our holidays without X and Y. All was so much calmer when we gathered as a foursome.

It was at that very moment that X surprised us from behind. Y followed her. With their arrival our holiday destination suddenly switched back to Manchester and the miserable British weather. We travelled through the grey streets in a white transit van, with TPR at the wheel. I sat next to Y on the back seat and started to misbehave, in full knowledge of his secret passion for me. X knew what was going on, but I ignored her hard stare. When X resorted to accusing me directly of flirting with her husband, I denied everything. I tried to change the subject by pointing out Manchester’s replica of Oxford’s Hertford Bridge (the Bridge of Sighs), my new offices at Salford University, and the city’s operational (unlike Edinburgh’s) tram system.

I later felt embarrassed about my bad behaviour. I sought out X to apologise. When I eventually found her at the far end of the canal I was shocked at her appearance. She looked so small, tired and grey. Then she started to throw up. I put my arms around her in comfort and promised that I would meet her again, on her own, when she felt better. I proposed a day out in York or Sheffield by train. I then headed back to the others once more. Meanwhile I left X in peace to shrink down to the size of a toddler.

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The perfect Christmas pudding (Rousse)

When I saw my mother-in-law add two teaspoons of Fairy Liquid to her mix, I finally understood why I hated the taste of Christmas pudding.

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A tandem upgrade and trying twins (Rousse)

I peered out of the car window to the left and gazed up at the faded wooden sign. In peeling red and green paint, it advertised a long defunct fishmonger. Just here, where we were now queuing in traffic, there must have been a market of some kind in the past. “That would make a nice photograph”, I thought.

I turned to the face the traffic lights and noticed that they were back on green, and that there were no cars ahead of us. We’d been waiting here for over ten minutes, yet TPR made no move to accelerate. “You’re missing something”, he said, “And I’ll set off again once you notice”.

I then remembered that it was my birthday. Perhaps this was something to do with a special treat? I turned to look for clues in the back of the car, and there I found one: Ged, the man who had sold us our first tandem, was grinning at me from behind the driver’s seat. This was interesting: could a tandem upgrade be imminent?

“Follow that cab!” shouted Ged, and TPR put his foot down. I could just about make out the passengers in the vehicle in front as it zoomed through a red light over Dundas Street. I couldn’t quite understand how this odd mix of vague work acquaintances was travelling in the cab with the friends of a long-dead work colleague. What had they to do with my birthday treat and a bicycle seller?

At our eventual destination the birthday present was on display: a green tandem frame made from the lightest of materials. Once we had selected the rest of the components, this would become our transport of choice.

In the meantime I had to rush off to a lecture attended by blonde eight year old pea-in-a-pod twin girls who bored everyone senseless by insisting that they were not identical, and my parents who had to be specially rounded up because they were 15 minutes late wandering the corridors of campus. The cab passengers made up the rest of the audience, keen to hear what I had to say. It was a great pity that I had nothing prepared.

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Time travelling robot dancers (Belle)

As I walked down Lewisham High Street I realised I had been transported back in time. How else could I explain the mysterious re-appearance of Chiesemans Department Store? Stopping to look upwards to appreciate the moment, I noticed several performers standing on top of the buildings on either side of the high street. Dressed in skin-tight suits, they began to perform robot dances.

Later, the star of the robot show took to the stage in a local pub. In a review for the local press, I wrote that she had ‘raspberry-flavoured’ hair, and was much mocked by my colleagues.

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Intruders with a Chinese theme (Rousse)

When I first opened my eyes I was very surprised to see my colleague AC standing over me at the side of the bed.

“I’ve brought your breakfast”, he announced, waving three thin white carrier bags overflowing with Chinese food in takeaway cartons.

“Hush”, I said, “You’ll wake TPR. Come with me into the kitchen”.

As I led him through the hall, I hoped that AC would not be too shocked by the sight of me in purple fleece jim-jams. However, there was something far more shameful in the dark kitchen: a huge mess of dirty dishes and abandoned DIY. When I reached for the light switch nothing happened. The electricity was off too.

We got the power back by fumbling with the mains switch behind the dresser. Once the lights were on we were able to see the three teenage girls in the uniform of George Heriot’s School helping themselves to cereal for breakfast. The one with the all the Hello magazines stuffed into her school bag and reaching for the Dorset Cereal was apparently my daughter.

AC dumped the carrier bags of food on the table and said his goodbyes. It was only when he headed down the hall that I wondered how he had managed to get into the flat without a key. Then I saw the twins in tartan towelling dressing gowns loitering by the glass porch door.

“We’re just here to collect the laundry”, said one, very politely. He clearly believed that I was unaware of the modus operandi of this underground criminal pair. TPR and I had been expecting them for weeks, and had planned for their arrival. I shouted our coded message down towards the bedroom to summon back-up in the form of my husband.

“Guy, the laundry men are here!”

TPR leapt out of bed and would have to tackle them naked – but that was their fault and not his.

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A kayaking holiday in France (Rousse)

River by Brendan MacNeill

River by Brendan MacNeill

It was the third week of May and the weather was finally cheering up with the approach of the French summer. My sister J and I jumped into kayaks with our pair of Jack Russell companions and floated downstream. Each day it got hotter and hotter, and by Thursday we were sunning ourselves in an early heatwave.

TPR joined us at the end of the official course. We photographed ourselves in a three-way embrace, topped up our sunblock, then turned the heavy kayaks around, grateful for some additional help from my nephew PF.

It was going to a long haul home, pulling ourselves upstream using the tow ropes that lined the right hand river bank. However, everyone knows that this is all part of the deal if you take a kayaking holiday in France.

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A kiss for David Baddiel (Rousse)

I was delighted when David Baddiel shouted over from the sofa that TPR should stop complaining and get on with his duties. All I had requested was some help in finding the two tiny screws to reattach the arms of my glasses to the frame (they had dropped onto the floor somewhere), and that he deliver a guest lecture to my Thursday morning class (admittedly at half an hour’s notice).

Now that TPR was retired he should have all the time in the world to support me. When his back was turned I walked back over to the sofa to thank Baddiel and planted a kiss firmly on my hero’s lips.

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