Extreme watersports, a spot of ski-ing, and a very clean baby (Rousse)

Our activity holiday comprised water sports with JC, then ski-ing with S and T.

I was actually quite frightened when it came to swimming here. JC had already hurt herself when she slipped on the rocks at the loch side, and I was terrified when I realised that I would have to jump from a height of 100 feet into the water.

The ski-ing arrangements were less demanding, and the hotel staff went out of their way to ensure that we could use the facilities right up until 7pm on the day of our departure. Their only condition was that we showered with the baby afterwards.

“That baby will be very clean by the end of the evening”, I concluded.

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Munro bagging for beginners (Rousse)

I overheard a seasoned Munro bagger speaking to my parents.

“How far are you walking?” he asked.

“Oh, only about 10 miles,” answered my father. “Just over the hill and back again with our three girls”.

The man glanced at my mother’s tiny rucksack and shook his head. “You need to be much better equipped for that distance” he instructed.

He was right. I remembered how CM would always take an ice axe for the shortest of distances, even in mid-summer. I would have to go back indoors and switch my flimsy sandals for sturdy walking boots.

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Quidditch team selection rules (Rousse)

Heroku’s latest release was a Quidditch-like game designed by my friend J. It was played with small, brightly coloured plastic sticks and a puck.

J was very particular in his requirements when it came to choosing teams. He was not prepared to accept a single social scientist on his side. Only mathematicians and physicists would be welcomed.

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Mother-in-law Christmas packing genius (Rousse)

While I sleeping my mother-in-law put up a Christmas tree at the foot of my bed. She then scattered dozens of presents underneath it.

When I awoke to this amazing display just one thought popped into my head: how on earth had she managed to fit all this into her packing?

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Scottish midges damage Inverness housing market prospects (Rousse)

We were looking around a new housing development in Inverness. Amongst the large modern yellow sandstone “executive homes” were grey monochrome Scooby Doo mansions, covered in creeper with their windows boarded up.

“Let’s buy one of the wrecks and renovate it!” I begged TPR.

“No way”, he replied. “This is Inverness. Just imagine the midge problem in the summer.”

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Australian dinosaur surprise (Rousse)

Although it was the middle of December, I was luxuriating in the warmth of summer thanks to a speaking invitation at a conference in Australia. Dressed in a light cotton skirt, I wandered through the grounds of the conference centre admiring the exotic wildlife. I planned to return later with my camera to photograph the colourful birds.

I was just wondering whether I would be lucky enough to see an elephant when I turned a corner and came face-to-face with a ferocious dinosaur. It roared, and I fled.

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Sharon the fine art vandal and a welcome Christmas gift (Rousse)

As she moved the pictures around our flat, the woman with long dark hair complained to me that she hated her name. I suggested that if she really wanted to do so, she could change it from Sharon to something else that she preferred.

However, I was less interested in what she was called and more bothered that she had taken many of our pictures out of their frames and pockmarked the canvases with drawing pin holes. They would be worth absolutely nothing now.

As if in compensation AM passed by the house and gave me half a wooden model fir tree painted red for Christmas. Her visit also gave me the opportunity to ask her why she carried a stock of out of date headache tablets and antibiotics in the small soap bag that she carried everywhere.

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A reunion with Gandalf, Dumbledore, Beowulf, and Basil Fawlty (Rousse)

Gandalf and/or Dumbledore was dead. I saw them wheel his body into the hall on a trolley. The white sheet was meant to cover the entire corpse, but strands of long white hair could not be contained and peeked out from under the cover. Similarly, a pale hand dangled from a thin white arm, clearly visible to those of us who watched as the trolley was pushed into position.

But what was a dead fictional hero doing at our university reunion? Then it dawned on me that the shape of the body under the white sheet was very similar to that of JG, who had not yet arrived. Had our dear friend finally been finished off after a life-time diet of sweets, cigarettes and booze?

Saddened by this possibility, I wandered over the buffet table to see if some food might cheer me up. KH and SB had just walked into the room with some beautiful chocolate and coffee mousses. I popped one into my mouth and joined a conversation about our next meeting.

“That will be our 40th anniversary in 2026?” I suggested.

“No”, replied JS. “We’re going to get together next summer. KH and SB have access to a field in the New Forest. They’ll order some portaloos and a marquee, and we’ll all bring our tents.”

I said that I would do my best to make it, work commitments permitting. I was about to elaborate on my reply when I felt a pinch on my bottom. The culprit couldn’t be TPR because he was across the other side of the room listening to a read-through of Beowulf by a couple of professional actors.

I looked behind me and soon identified two suspects. The first was known to me as Effes. I found it hard to believe it when he confessed that he had fancied me for 30 years. I also wondered whether he was lying when he told me that he was in the forthcoming remake of Fawlty Towers with John Cleese. Suspect number two said exactly the same. What was wrong with the pair of them?

I left this ludicrous conversation to join SPC. She would surely have something more sensible to say? I was disappointed: she was summoning up her courage to confess an affair with a younger man.

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A weekend salmon fishing (Rousse)

“Are you OK to go salmon fishing the weekend of 12th March?” asked EH.

“12th March? When does the season start?” interupted some random bloke. I concluded that this man was a half-wit: doesn’t everyone know the dates of the salmon season?

I checked my calendar. EH’s invitation would mean two busy weekends in a row, but we would cope.

“Yes, of course. I can’t wait”, I replied.

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What to do with a cracked iPhone screen (Rousse)

I dropped my iPhone on the tiled floor where it landed flat on its screen. The same fate befell the iPhone of the woman sitting opposite me. Our mobile screens were now cracked. I tapped mine to see what would happen, and the woman opposite copied my action. Shards of glass fell everywhere.

“No!”shouted the man next to me. “You should know that if you resist tapping a shattered iPhone screen, the phone remains operational. You are both idiots.”

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