Someone had discovered old video footage of our family and posted it to YouTube. There I was, fourteen years old, dressed in a raspberry cotton two piece peasant dress, arguing with my father. He then stood up and ran off down the street.
How slim my father looked from behind in the THS school uniform! It was at this point that I also recalled that in my younger days both my parents were female.
A swarm of several hundred yellow balls bounced down the street straight towards me. If I wasn’t quick, I’d soon be knocked over and engulfed in plastic.
Now that A was a little older she was completely fluent in English (as well as German).
One day we heard her singing an Ella Fitzgerald song in a deep, low, melodious voice. This was astonishing. None of us – not event A’s mother WB – had any idea of A’s secret talent.
We called Simon Cowell to request an audition. He and a crony rushed to examine the potential new singing star. Although both recognised A’s extraordinary talent, they felt that she was too young to embark on a showbiz career at this stage of her life. They would, however, be very interested in meeting her again in the future.
Simon Cowell is a Dreamaticus regular. Also see him in:
David Mitchell and I were meant to be studying, but we kept on catching one another’s eye across the library table. As I wondered what it must be like to be married to him (lucky Victoria Coren) I found it very difficult to concentrate on my work. In the end, I abandoned my book and wandered around over to David, put my arms around his neck and asked him to tell me tales of his Scottish ancestors. I was particularly interested in his great-, great-, great-grandfather, the Reverend John Forbes, who served as a minister on the Isle of Skye, and had a rather cruel interest in the sinning parishioners of Sleat.
Of course this lack of attention to my studies had dire consequences. When I returned to the University of Birmingham for my fourth year I missed the Friday 10th submission deadline for my dissertation on Rabelais. I also had nothing ready for teaching any of my own classes on the first Monday of term.
I complained about this to LF as she prepared food for the THS reunion in her caravan. She showed no sympathy: I should have checked the e-mail last week from SR and AA and completed the work as requested.
David Mitchell is a Dreamaticus regular. See him elsewhere in An afternoon with David Mitchell (Rousse); David Mitchell’s photography one-upmanship lands university professor in trouble (Rousse).
James Corden – or was it Johnny Vegas? – was the father of my twin baby sons. In our unconventional family set-up he did his best to care for the children while I was at work, but never thought to take them for medical check-ups. Both boys suffered from eczema and it had not occurred to my husband that a trip to the surgery might be a useful way to have the condition diagnosed and treated.
Things went from bad to worse on the day that we played a juggling game with the children. Poor baby Stuart came out of the exercise shrunk flat to the size of a tea saucer.
TPR had been behaving rather strangely of late, and now I knew why. He was leaving me for a slim, glossy dark-haired, 18 year-old sixth former. I tried to show the girl friendship, but in reality I was preparing to kill her. As for TPR himself, I screamed and shouted at him, disgusted at his lies of never-ending love. If he got his way, I’d never see his family again – she would take my place at all the fabulous parties – and I’d been so looking forward to his sister’s 50th birthday celebrations next year!
I couldn’t imagine life on my own. I just hoped that it would not be too long before I found a husband replacement. I had a candidate in mind, but was unsure as to whether or not he would take the bait.
Normally all eyes would be on the bride, but MSB looked so beautiful in her modest office outfit of vintage-style 1950s hyacinth blue satin underwear (a tape measure in her hand) that on wedding days crowds gathered at the studio window to watch the award-winning designer – and not her clients – in action.
Dreamaticus 