Escapees from the Gaelic choir discover a ‘horny’ Victorian (Rousse)

Posted on June 20, 2024 by Dreamaticus

VJ and I made our escape from the Gaelic concert at Edinburgh airport and ran along the cycle path in the direction of Duddingston Loch.

To make the race fairer, I agreed not to use my arms. This soon gave VJ a significant lead. Watching her from behind, I admired the ‘mountain goat’ techniques that she deployed along the route when scaling obstacles such as waterfalls.

I finally caught up with VJ beside the main road in Joppa. I showed her the discarded Victorian gravestone that I had picked up and carried most of the way.

‘I’ll have that!’ V shouted as she made a grab for it.

She thought my bounty ideal as an item to display in her AirBnB accommodation. The guests were bound to appreciate two particular words applied to the person memorialised in the carved stone: ‘too horny’.

Meanwhile I worried about the fate of my iPhone. I’d left it at the airport with a former student who had recognised me in the crowd. I didn’t know his name, and he didn’t know my address. The last that I saw of him was in the departure lounge just as the Gaelic choir was setting up. There was an outside chance that the choir leader (VJ’s friend M) might have spotted him. However, realistically, I had probably lost my iPhone forever.

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Weight loss tip: smoking for slimming (Rousse)

Posted on June 17, 2024 by Dreamaticus

The trimmest women at the university reunion were best friends SB and KH. The secret to their slim frames was smoking.

When JG and his pals arrived, I wondered whether I should pass on the tip. PS could definitely do with losing a stone or two.

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A holiday cottage and wedding invitations (Rousse)

Posted on June 17, 2024 by Dreamaticus

I was worried about the safety of the family’s holiday cottage. Although the front door to the building that we shared with the neighbours was secured with a Yale lock, the door to our porch and the second one from the porch into the hall, could not be locked properly. There was only a flimsy bolt across the inner door.

I was also concerned about food hygiene in the kitchen. Amongst the items in the packed fridge were dairy products over a year past their use-by dates! I raised this with my cousin R’s wife H. She was more interested in cooking a prawn curry to share with her daughter R after the next night’s parents’ evening than in my paranoia over food poisoning.

Then my cousin A walked in on us. She also completely ignored my concerns. Instead she announced the ‘great news’ that next year she was getting married on Dartmoor (rather than in Scotland), and that TPR and I would definitely not be invited to the wedding.

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Passion with a potter (Rousse)

Posted on June 16, 2024 by Dreamaticus

What a shock!

I remembered the woman called Poppy, and the man who ran a pottery. They had been friends of my mother in the 1960s.

However, I had no idea that for a period of my early childhood my father took principal responsibility for me and my sister – so that my mother could engage in a torrid affair with the potter!

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Parking scam at the University of Edinburgh (Rousse)

Posted on June 16, 2024 by Dreamaticus

Bold as brass, TPR pulled into a ‘visitors only’ parking space outside Edinburgh University’s Informatics building.

A parking warden immediately scurried over to us to ask about the nature of our visit. TPR guessed at the name of a host professor, then gave my details as visitor.

As soon as the warden was out of sight again, I insisted that TPR drive us away. I wanted no part in this scam.

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Public displays in public school toilets (Rousse)

Posted on June 13, 2024 by Dreamaticus

TPR was forced to return to school. This meant wearing the red and black Stewart’s Melville College uniform. Although his trousers were a little short in the leg, he still looked very handsome.

When LM and I visited the school, we were shocked at the poor state of the lavatories. The gaps between the stall doors were so great that you could not avoid witnessing the activity on the toilets either side of you. For those in the queue, there was a grandstand view.

While I was on the loo myself, LM watched someone with the minimum of self-awareness display his entire naked body through the gaps of his stall door.

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Job application scuppered by references (Rousse)

Posted on June 10, 2024 by Dreamaticus

I was unsuccessful in my application for a job as a locum GP. The reason was the quality of my references:

  1. The selection panel did not believe that Professor Gillian Boyd was a credible referee.
  2. My next door neighbour’s detailed analysis of my dress sense was not a useful basis for making an appointment decision.
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Hacked by Laurence Passmore (Rousse)

Posted on June 10, 2024 by Dreamaticus

To kill time before my dinner date with TPR, I wandered around the huge Tesco store. I admired the massive suitcases, and the extensive collection of huge tents and other camping equipment.

When I exited the shop and started to walk towards the restaurant, a woman approached me. I was alarmed that she seemed intent on causing me harm. In fact, all that she wanted to do was offer me directions.

I reached the restaurant only to discover that it had gone out of business months ago. Furthermore, TPR was nowhere to be seen.

When I called TPR’s mobile, a stranger answered: ‘This is Laurence Passmore. You have been hacked. If you do not pay my ransom, I will release all your data’.

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Huge antiques and art collection taken by ‘men in a van’ (Rousse)

Posted on June 5, 2024 by Dreamaticus

The last time that I had seen my mother’s vast drawing room it looked like an antiques salesroom, crammed from floor to ceiling with fine furniture and paintings. Now it was empty.

I found my sister S fast asleep under a heap of ragged blankets on a dirty mattress on the dining room floor.

When I asked what had happened to all the valuables, she muttered that ‘some men in a van’ had collected everything. She couldn’t remember the date they came, but she definitely didn’t see the auctioneer and hadn’t asked for a receipt.

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Left luggage in Pitlochry, the shame of Hull (Rousse)

Posted on June 5, 2024 by Dreamaticus

It didn’t make sense to carry everything that we had packed on the second part of our highland holiday, so we left our excess baggage at the self-catering cottage in Pitlochry. We would call in to collect it on our return journey south in a week’s time.

Of course, we hadn’t considered that others would rent the cottage immediately after us. When we returned to the house, we found a family of three – a mother, father and a toddler – fast asleep upstairs. They stirred as I push open the bedroom door. As apology, I offered the parents a cup of tea.

Our belongings strewn around the place for the week had not caused any problems. In fact, the parents hadn’t even noticed them.

The family’s holiday had not been as restful as ours. The miserable worn-out wife told me that she had been left in charge of the boisterous toddler while her medic husband worked. She couldn’t even look forward to going home. She was ashamed to say that they lived in Hull.

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