A pet lamb, a Schnauzer, and a monkey (Rousse)

TPR conceded that since our elderly long-term lodger kept us at home much of the year, we could add to our menagerie of creatures.

I ordered online a white pet lamb, an overweight Schnauzer dog, and a little monkey. They would all live inside the house with us (and not with our flock of black Hebridean sheep outdoors).

The monkey was a useful addition. He was very skilled at recognising the names of objects, and willing to fetch and carry them for us. The other two animals just wanted to be petted all the time.

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An extra-marital affair and golf (Rousse)

I confronted TPR in the family bathroom, unaware that TEF was climbing out of the bath.

‘I know that you are having an affair with DTJ!” I screeched. How could he be so disloyal? And what was she doing cosying up to me, inviting me out for girlie drinks while she was sleeping with my husband?

Although he could offer no excuse for his disappointing behaviour, I was prepared to forgive TPR – so long as he brought the affair to an end. I told him this lying in a hotel bed in St Andrews, sandwiched between him and another man, with just a thin piece of card separating us from the stranger. (Summer accommodation was at a premium in the famous golf resort. The hotels had resorted to all sorts of ingenious ways of cramming as many tourists as possible into each bedroom.)

Then I turned to our bedfellow and struck up a conversation. He told us that he was a golf professional called Steve King. This excited TPR, and he immediately wanted to ‘talk golf’ with him. Unfortunately for him, the autograph hunters at the other side of the room attracted Mr King’s attention first. Then a small dark woman started to speak through puffed out cheeks, in a quiet, breathless way. She too was a golf professional.

All interest in solving our marital problems evaporated in a frenzy to find out who else was sharing our hotel room. Was that an Olympic rowing team in the en suite bathroom?

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(More) conference confusion (Rousse)

My sister S drove the rickety old grey Land Rover. Her passengers were my other sister, her husband, their daughter, and their daughter’s partner. They carried hardly any luggage having ‘gone minimal’ after their recent house clearance experiences.

This meant that there was plenty of room for them to carry the last few contents of my office: my Marvel comic collection, and two big print orders (both sets of journal article reprints). I directed them into town and on to campus via the by-pass.

Their arrival interrupted a conference session during which authors of the papers listed in the programme were meant to make short informal presentations. The session was in complete confusion because (a) authors of co-authored papers were arguing over who would speak; (b) not everyone had a full set of papers in their delegate packs; (c) nobody had been appointed session chair.

I was implicated in the chaos as someone that others expected to take the lead, and as a co-author named on three papers, including one with CI.

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A burglar’s furniture fetish (Rousse)

Every time that I walked into the sitting room, the two sofas were arranged in a different way from before: both pushed against the window; one upside down, one upright; one next to the radiator the right way up, the other balanced on one end against the door to the kitchen.

How could this be? My mother, who was the last person in the room, didn’t even have the strength to lift a cushion.

When I reported all this to TPR, he concluded that there must be a burglar in the house. I walked into the hall to ring the police.

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Northumbrian holiday secrets of ABBA (Rousse)

Björn Ulvaeus and Benny Andersson bounded down the narrow staircase.

Agnetha Fältskog and Anni-Frid Lyngstad followed more quietly behind them.

Nobody had ever spotted the four members of ABBA on their regular visits to Northumberland. It was our family secret that they always spent their holidays with my sister and her husband at their cottage on the Holy Island of Lindisfarne.

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A lecture, a disco, and a swim (Rousse)

I lost my place in my notes, then found it again but couldn’t make sense of them. Added to my woes, the few students who had bothered to turn up to my last ever lecture clearly did not appreciate my pathetic jokes.

They only cheered up when I offered to type everything up in a Word document and email it to them later. My suggestion that we clear the desks for an end of term disco afterwards was also very popular.

Later I played in the on-campus leisure pool, taking it in turns with my Finnish friend GW to slide down the chute. Then, in the shallow end, I listened intently to a school friend as she poured her heart out over her recent cancer diagnosis.

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Fish hypnotism (Belle)

As I was being introduced to a stranger, my friend stage-whispered:

“She participated in the International Catfish Hypnotism Championships last week”.

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Redesigning tulips (Belle)

It had been my lifelong ambition to improve tulips. I had always felt that they could ‘do better’.

After many years, I demonstrated my invention – a velcro-fastened sheath that slipped over the flower and looked just like a tulip. As I saw my friend L trying not to laugh, I realised this initiative had been a complete waste of my time.

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A basement theatre and mini garaging (Rousse)

When our neighbours invited us to a performance in their basement theatre, it struck me that we could hire the three rooms at Christmas as an amazing venue for our annual party.

I also wondered what use we could make of the ground floor flats further along the crescent, currently used as garaging for brand new minis.

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Purveying French furniture along the streets of Paris (Rousse)

On my first visit to Paris in years, I helped AM and her sister C push an old sofa on its castors from Avenue des Gobelins to Place de la Concorde.

Now that all the members of my host family spoke excellent English, it didn’t matter one jot that my French was appalling

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