Uncovered: monkey researchers and shoplifter engineers (Rousse)

RR had a very low opinion of the entertainment troupe that had turned up on campus to liven up our engineering programme. ‘They’re a bunch of monkeys who know nothing about research!’ he complained.

Meanwhile I was busy investigating public sector fraud. A group of female staff in engineering had submitted to the University a series of fake expenses claims that were supposedly connected to the visiting entertainers. I gathered the culprits together and lectured them on the need for absolute honesty in public service.

They did not share my opinion. Indeed one admitted that she went shoplifting in her spare time.

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Trapped without shoes in a country house hotel (Rousse)

I returned from test-driving the tandem and followed TPR into the posh hotel dining room. We felt somewhat embarrassed eating there, especially since I was unshod.

After the meal TPR returned to our (more modest) accommodation a couple of streets away. Since I was still without shoes and wanted to enjoy the luxury of the deep sofas in the hotel drawing room, he left me behind. Initially we agreed that I would stay here only an hour or so.

However, because I was without my mobile phone and TPR’s was permanently switched off, we had no way of communicating how we would see one another later. I was now doomed to spend the rest of my days in the company of old bufties in a country house hotel.

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Marie Antoinette world record attempt (Rousse)

The place was swarming with hundreds of people dressed up like extras from Adam Ant’s Prince Charming video.

I asked my school friend AR (sporting an elegant eighteenth century gown) what was going on. She explained that she was taking part in an attempt to break the world record for the number of Marie Antoinettes that could be fitted into a field.

Afterwards she would be joining the rest of our classmates for a picnic. She pointed out where they were putting out a rug and popping Champagne corks in readiness for her arrival.

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A tale of two journeys (Rousse)

One minute I was wrapped in furs, slipping through a sparkling wintry landscape in an open sleigh discussing the merits (or not) of daughters with regional accents.

Next I was on the East Coast train service, squashed up against French passengers who almost missed their (previously unknown) stop of Cardiff Wells.

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Deadly dressmaker on the loose (Rousse)

There was a deadly dressmaker on the loose and I was in big trouble.

This was not because I was a likely victim. Rather, in the past I had been seen running the cycle paths of Leith with the notorious murderess. It was suspected that I may now be shielding her, or even serving as her apprentice.

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Tandem purchase

K and J bought a tandem.

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Trapped underground with University Challenge contestant Oscar Powell (Rousse)

I was asked at very short notice to run a feedback with session with a small set of students. I was therefore very surprised to see the large number gathered when I arrived 20 minutes late in the designated room. When I asked my (supposed) assistant NK about name badges she confessed that she had forgotten all about them. It would be impossible for me to deal with such numbers without knowing everyone’s name, so I set off to find a few sheets of computer labels that we could use to create substitute badges. Each person would just have to write their own name on one of these.

On my way out I noticed another room crammed with students and a couple of staff, including my old boss JK. Apparently these people were also waiting for me to deliver a session. It was now really urgent that I found some labels.

I was assisted in my quest by a couple of young male students, one of whom was recent University Challenge Peterhouse contestant Oscar Powell. We were soon lost in underground corridors of the University and ended up trapped in a basement from which the only means of escape was an electric emergency exit chair designed for the disabled. Oscar gave it a go and almost brained himself. It looked that we would be stuck underground forever with no chance of rescue.

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Travelling the UK by rail with suitcase insurance (Rousse)

I left my pink suitcase on the train twice on the same trip. On the first occasion I remembered just in time and managed to correct my mistake. The second time it was too late.

I phoned WC to ask what could be done. She informed me that the University had paid an £8 premium for the railway company’s lost property insurance policy and that she was sure that the suitcase would soon be found. Put to the test, the scheme worked a dream, and I was soon reunited with my belongings.

My trip took me along muddy country lanes and into less picturesque corners of the Cotwolds with NY and SY. My final destination was London, where I broke in to Belle’s flat while she was at work. She found me there at lunchtime in my pyjamas when she popped home to check on the dog.

Belle suggested that I take the afternoon off for a wander around the charity shops. I could also pick up some salad for supper. Then she told me all about her forthcoming holiday in Sweden with SH, who had generously offered to pay for the whole trip.

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A mother’s complicated love life (Rousse)

My mother claimed that she was not in a relationship with XY, even though she was sharing a bed with him. Her ‘real’ partner apparently lived in town.

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Bare-chested business (Rousse)

I’d dressed in such a rush that I had accidentally ended up in a shirt that did not match the rest of my outfit. I’d also forgotten to put on my bra. I could not possibly make an appearance in mismatched clothes. So, as soon as I reached London, I removed the shirt and attended the research council meeting naked from the waist up. My very polite colleagues gave the impression of not noticing my new take on business dress code.

By lunchtime I guessed that my unconventional appearance at the meeting might be making some of the others uncomfortable. Rather than network over the buffet semi-naked, I popped out to the shops to see if I could find something suitable to cover up my top half. Earlier I had spotted a Marks and Spencer in the tube station so made this my destination. However, on my way there I spotted an old-fashioned department store where it looked like I could buy everything I needed: a bra, a shirt, and matching shoes.

The shop itself was very difficult to navigate and I ended up spending a lot of time travelling up and down escalators trying to find the departments that stocked the items on my shopping list. Others were lost too. I even spotted TMcE struggling to pick his way through piles and piles of outdoor clothing. My shopping trip was probably going to take longer than the measly hour allocated for lunch.

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