Stars on a train (Rousse)

Posted on August 13, 2017 by Dreamaticus

As the train came into the station I noticed that all the people leaving my carriage were stars of my favourite TV drama. Dare I tell them how much I love their work?

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Sectarian sanitation (Rousse)

Posted on August 13, 2017 by Dreamaticus

I was in big trouble for using the disabled toilet – because I was able-bodied, white, and Protestant.

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Rail passengers told go ‘Sod off’ (Rousse)

Posted on August 12, 2017 by Dreamaticus

We needed to get from Hexham to Newcastle by train to spend the night with LM.

When I tried to check the train times on the station’s app it responded with an error message:

‘Trains after 4pm from Hexham to Newcastle? We don’t offer such a service. Sod off!’

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A bee swarm (Rousse)

Posted on August 12, 2017 by Dreamaticus

‘Don’t touch it!’ I begged my mother.

The bees responded to the poke and swarmed. I was covered in insects from head to toe.

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The secret bigamist (Rousse)

Posted on August 12, 2017 by Dreamaticus

Until I considered what might happen if I died before TPR, I thought it perfectly acceptable to have secretly married my 35 year old ‘boyfriend’. In practice we hardly ever saw each another, and I wondered if he actually remembered our vows. However, whenever we were together I did enjoy his company.

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Plumbing catastrophe (Rousse)

Posted on August 10, 2017 by Dreamaticus

The poshest restaurant in town did not supply enough waste paper baskets – so everyone threw their rubbish down the lavatories, thus causing a plumbling catastrophe.

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Conference cutlery freebies fight (Rousse)

Posted on August 10, 2017 by Dreamaticus

FR and I fought for conference cutlery freebies.

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A cartoon lover and a career in swimwear (Belle)

Posted on August 10, 2017 by Dreamaticus

My new boyfriend was an almost humanised version of Stan Smith from American Dad. 

At his workplace I was presented with a gift and went onto the stage to make an impromptu speech. I said thank you and then said “Don’t you wish YOUR mistress was hot like me?”.  Stan came running up to me waving his arms.  “I told them you were my BANKER!”  Whoops.

My sister was cooking me a meatloaf while we were queuing at the Marks and Spencer tills.  She said, “I am so lucky to have been at the cutting edge of the swimsuit design industry for so many years.”

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Hebridean hedgehog swimmers and dolphins (Rousse)

Posted on August 7, 2017 by Dreamaticus

I watched the hedgehogs swim to the shore to settle on the Hebridean island, and patted a dolphin and her calf from my seat on the headland.

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Christian Slater is a great rebel boyfriend (Belle)

Posted on August 7, 2017 by Dreamaticus

The venue was hosting both a formal library conference and a small thrash metal event and I was unwilling to commit to either.

In the break-out room Christian Slater and I locked eyes and – without needing to speak – we had agreed to play a board game called Pirates. Christian convinced a member of staff we needed to set up the game in a library delegate’s bedroom and we needed cocktails and plenty of them.

By the time the delegate discovered us in her room, we had thrown a lot of glittery confetti and rock salt in her suitcase and in her bed. When confronted Christian gave a blatantly false name – Sir Ralph Richardson – and wandered off.  I followed him and boomed across the venue – “Christian Slater, get here right now and bring a dustpan and brush.”

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