Accommodating seven adults in a two-bedroomed flat (Rousse)

IF CW moved out of the bedroom at the back into the study at the front, then JM could have her bedroom.

But then JM said that he was moving in with his parents and his sister, so where would they go? The only solution would be for the parents to have the bedroom, and JM and his sister would have to sleep in the corridor.

This was a disaster – at least as far as I was concerned. Our two-bedroomed flat was never meant to accommodate seven adults. Meanwhile JM took it all in his stride, casually stirring a huge pot of porridge on the stove in the kitchen.

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A dump in Luton (Rousse)

Our new house was not ready when we first moved to Luton so we wild-camped by the river for a couple of nights, with only a sleeping bag and dirty white sheet for cover. We were perfectly safe there, but our belongings were not. On the first night some cash was stolen, and on the second day we caught a teenager red-handed as he made a move to lift our camera. TPR commented that the inhabitants of Bedfordshire were less trustworthy than those of Scotland.

We had not even seen a sales schedule for new abode, so when the day came to visit it for the first time we were pleasantly surprised to find that it was a tall detached Victorian villa in a neat row of red-brick houses. Our pleasure turned to pain, however, when we pushed open the front door and saw the devastation that laid behind it.

The previous owners had wrecked the house by painting lurid murals over every wall, installing an excess of ovens in the kitchen, building staircases that led nowhere, and generally paying little attention to the building’s upkeep.

Just as we realised the folly of our purchase the house was invaded by about thirty people. These were our new neighbours, relieved that the house had finally been sold and hopeful that we would pay for its restoration. Some even offered their services as plumbers, electricians, carpenters and the like. It pained us to admit that we had stupidly used up all our savings in this act of purchasing madness so we had no cash to pay anyone to help make the house habitable again.

Why had we ever thought it a good idea to leave our beautiful Georgian garden flat in Edinburgh to spend the rest of our lives in a dump in Luton?

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Left hand skin lump diagnosis (Rousse)

I was chatting to JS when I noticed a small lump on the knuckle of the index finger of my left hand.

I bit into it, then peeled back the skin all the way to my wrist. On display were florets of pink and blue flesh that resembled coral formations – but no blood whatsoever.

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A private tour of the National Railway Museum, York (Rousse)

My mother had parked her car in Newcastle, but accidentally purchased train tickets that took us further south to York.

‘It’s OK’, we assured to her, ‘We just get off at Newcastle. Nobody will care if we leave our seats at the earlier station’. Unfortunately my mother cared, and was prepared to pay for a stack of single tickets from York to return us all to Newcastle.

The one advantage of this plan was that the conductor, who knew that I was a huge fan of the train, offered to take me on a private tour of the National Railway Museum in York. I boasted that I already knew where I would be in September 2025 for the 200th anniversary of the Stockton to Darlington railway.

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Love at the cosmetics counter (Rousse)

My young charge and I ran a cosmetics counter in a department store. Customers were few so we enjoyed a lot of free time to get to know each other and – eventually – fall in love, despite our 36 year age gap.

I was determined that he not waste his life as a shop assistant so when AB came to visit (slim, in her black and white spotted conference dress), I invited her to sit on the bed with us and discuss university entry requirements. I knew that her son was about the same age as my young man so she would know all about the processes of making an application for higher education.

When AB told us that her son scored all A*s in his A levels, my young man looked despondent. It became evident that there was good reason for his choice of employment as a shop assistant.

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Dying gerbil mistaken for dog (Rousse)

Like all farming families, we had many pets.

In our household my Granny T was the one responsible for feeding and tidying up after them. So when LTP&S came to visit and P asked about the dying dog in the cage in the kitchen, I denied all responsibility.

(In fact it was a gerbil, not a dog – and P had also missed the pile of dead hamsters piled up in the corner.)

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A secret agent and a sacred text (Rousse)

My duties as a secret agent charged with recovering a sacred text were part-familiar and part-terrifying. As I stood on the pavement on Edinburgh’s George Street, I knew that the passing motorcyclist would slap me when he drove past. Then I would run into the Halifax bank to seek shelter. Everyone would believe that a terror attack was imminent.

The next day I walked along the banks of the River Thames at sunset. My assailant, carrying the quarry, had followed me to the capital. I almost fell into the water as I reached down to grab the precious book from him.

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Noel Fielding on a first date (Belle)

Noel Fielding picked me up from the office. We walked over a burgundy arts and crafts bridge, Noel pushing his bike one one side, had his other arm around my shoulders.  His quiet voice was a charm to me.  Distracted, we realised we were walking down the middle of a dual carriageway.

Later, I missed the ferry to the island where I was now living.

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Reptiles and serpents found at tropical wedding venue (Rousse)

DTJ and KJ were due to host their wedding celebration at a tropical hotel that was familiar to me and TPR.

We picked up our wedding present for them – a huge canvas – and walked barefoot to the venue. There we were the first to arrive and it didn’t look like anyone else was yet ready to party. DTJ, for example, was not in a party dress, but wearing a baggy man’s shirt. (I too was wearing a baggy shirt, but at least mine was brightly patterned with red flowers. It was just a pity that it made me look enormous.)

As early guests, we played with toddler J while waiting for the others to arrive. He was rather too heavy for baby sit-ups so instead we explored the local wildlife. I was impressed with J’s speech and the readiness with which he identified the reptiles and serpents that we found in the hotel grounds.

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Hostage clings to novel entertainment at end of ordeal (Rousse)

By posting messages about a conference that did not exist, FR arranged my rescue from kidnap by an American gang.

While I waited for my formal release, I begged my captors not to take away the two novels in bag – my only entertainment during the whole ordeal.

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