Unwelcome in Radcliffe-on-Trent (Rousse)

Posted on August 8, 2019 by Dreamaticus

I took a huge risk crossing the strait by canoe without a life-jacket, but made it safely to Radcliffe-on-Trent.

I realised my mistake the moment that I intercepted my sister-in-law JLR and niece F, who were on their way to the swimming pool for the afternoon. My ‘surprise’ was to them an extremely unwelcome interruption to their regular routine.

I said that I would check into the closest Premier Inn rather than impose myself on them. (In any case, I couldn’t remember their address, and I now doubted that JLR would ever give it to me.)

When I heard that RJH was also in the vicinity, I invited him to join me at the hotel.

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A very short-lived relationship with Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson (Belle)

Posted on August 8, 2019 by Dreamaticus

I moved in with The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) and admired the massive double bed with a crisp white bedspread. However, by teatime, Dwayne had moved out and Andy Samberg had let his small daughter drive – and wreck – my car.

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A wandering whiteboard and a late PhD submission (Rousse)

Posted on August 7, 2019 by Dreamaticus

After all the expense of transporting it, I returned to Edinburgh from Glasgow without my precious mini whiteboard. It was fortunate that my cousin EB had a suitcase large enough to carry it back to Bristol by plane, although I had no idea how I would retrieve it from the south of England before the start of the new academic year.

My other worry was my second PhD. Would I complete it by the end of the summer, or was I now looking at a Christmas submission?

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Best friends with a fishing rod vandal in Chamberlain Square (Belle)

Posted on August 7, 2019 by Dreamaticus

The view from my desk was one over Chamberlain Square in Birmingham. I watched as a woman reversed out of an office door and eventually emerged wielding two 30-foot fishing poles. The first thing she did was bring bring down a telephone wire.

I charged across the Square to challenge her. Had she reported the damage? Why was she just smirking at me? She frustrated me so much I tried to strangle here, but when that didn’t work, we became best friends.

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Belle and Spain have a messy break-up

Posted on August 7, 2019 by Dreamaticus

I was being manipulated into declaring war against Spain. Spain’s solicitor had written to me asking for its assets back. Without permission, my solicitor had replied that Spain could go stuff itself and we’d see it on the battlefield.

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The mark of a dyslexic (Rousse)

Posted on August 6, 2019 by Dreamaticus

AO was so severely dyslexic that he bought me a fancy pencil case with the boy’s name Mark incorporated into the design.

When I questioned his choice of present, he confessed that he had no idea what the text said. However, he thought that the sprig of purple flowers on the front might indicate my name.

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Diamond disappointment (Rousse)

Posted on August 5, 2019 by Dreamaticus

Three decades after graduating with our first degrees, several of my peers were once more taking rooms on campus. I had two sets of accommodation to organise: (1) at the University of Birmingham; (2) in France.

In Birmingham I showed off the large mounted diamond that DT had given to me in 1985. It was one of my most precious possessions – until another graduate asked me why I had been carrying a shard of back-lit glass around with me for all these years.

In France I discovered that university admin staff now speak English, but are still rather rude.

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Demelza Poldark tour guide (Rousse)

Posted on August 5, 2019 by Dreamaticus

Demelza Poldark planned my summer holiday for me.

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Fiona Bruce fake friend (Rousse)

Posted on August 3, 2019 by Dreamaticus

At the first conference Fiona Bruce treated me with respect, and even gave the impression that she would like to be my friend. That said, she still managed to convey a sense of superiority over the academic delegates. It did not go unnoticed that while the rest of us travelled in economy to Australia, she and a giggling friend enjoyed the comfort of first class.

My relationship with Fiona soured when I withdrew as keynote speaker from the second conference. She was unwilling to accept that I felt burnt out. She was also furious that I had only given her a week to fill the speaking slot, even though I explained that all my slides were written and that someone else might be willing to deliver the presentation. The whole situation was made even worse when I insisted on staying on at the conference as a non-speaking delegate.

Amidst all this bad feeling TPR discovered a new batch of long lost relations at the conference. He was completely distracted by this opportunity to fill in gaps on numerous branches of his family tree.

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Chinese tour of Scotland (Rousse)

Posted on August 2, 2019 by Dreamaticus

We had been ‘volunteered’ to take a Chinese man and his elderly mother on a tour of the Scottish highlands.

The ‘elderly mother’ seemed rather childish to me, stuffing herself with sweets in the front passenger seat of the car. When I peered over from the back to get a better look at her however, I saw not an old woman, but a toddler.

She was not pleased to be wrenched from the front of the car and strapped into a seat at the back.

We also ensured that she had a proper early bedtime when we returned home.

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