Mine was one of the first families drafted to perform anti-terrorist service. We lined up inside a long plastic tent at the junction of Queen Street and North St David Street in Edinburgh, following the instructions of the police to bunch up together as closely as possible with all the other ‘volunteers’.

I soon started to feel claustrophobic and hot. I found a small hole in the clear plastic sheeting and pulled it apart to let myself out.

My punishment was instant. First I was transformed into a small dog. Then I was sent to live out the last of my days in a remote wood cabin with Sir Sean Connery as my only company.