A pocked-marked, cabbage-eating, intruder with a deadly disease (Rousse)

The pock-marked intruder was chewing on a cabbage leaf from my vegetable patch. There was no indication of how he had scaled the high wall, and I was certain that he had not come through the house, so it was a complete mystery as to how he had managed to gain entry to my garden.

As I asked the stranger about the purpose of his ‘visit’, I saw that the small spiral notebook in his left hand was opened on a page where three different spellings of ‘Haydon Bridge’ had been tested. I wondered if – rather than a former student or work colleague – this man might be a genealogical researcher.

I was right. He was pretty certain that we were connected to family D. When I told him emphatically that we were not, his face dropped. He has been hoping that we would be the final piece in the jigsaw to explain his deadly inherited disease.

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A cottage in Lanarkshire (Rousse)

TPR bought us a second home in Lanarkshire – without making a single viewing. The details in the printed sales brochure was enough to convince him that this was an excellent investment.

On arrival at the cottage for the first time, we discovered the reason that it had been on the market for so long: traffic thundering along the M74 just a couple of hundred yards from the overgrown garden.

Hiding my anger at my husband’s foolish purchase, I started to investigate the building itself. Behind the first door, I found a small room filled with colourful fairground equipment, including gleaming carousel horses. Beyond this was a huge well-equipped workshop with every tool you’d ever need for household DIY. This pleased me, but not enough to forgive my idiot spendthrift husband.

I left TPR in the garden while I took a wander round the village. It took ages for me to find my way back again because I got lost on the golf course.

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Divorce, remarriage, and step-children (Rousse)

TPR was divorcing me. I needed a new husband fast. LA, now known as ‘George’ and a recently-appointed colleague, was the best candidate.

I wondered (a) whether AN would approve when she found out that I had not revealed my connection to LA when we interviewed him for the job, and (b) how I would cope with all my new step-children.

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Belle goes swimming (Rousse)

Belle and I stood at the cliff edge, watching the swimmers battle in the rough waves that crashed into the jagged rocks below.

‘I’m going to do it’ she shouted suddenly, throwing her body forward.

She fell through the air in slow motion, as if buffeted by the wind. I watched in both horror and hope, praying that a gentler landing on the water would save her life.

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Dead mackerel and a dead marriage (Rousse)

On the Sunday, we found dead mackerel strewn across the shoreline outside the hotel. I had hoped that we would spend the day together, but – as usual – TPR had other plans: to watch his friends play volleyball on the beach.

I stomped off to find a place to lounge in my dressing gown, all by myself, miserable for the rest of the day.

That evening TPR couldn’t understand why I would not play happy families in front of his parents.

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Security advice for North Texas airport (Rousse)

I reached the F family’s house first on foot. My frail, elderly father followed by taxi. There we extracted PMF from the chaos of the house rebuild. He’d already missed one flight home to Edinburgh (cost £100), but had just managed to book himself on to the same one as us that evening (additional £300).

As we were going through the security check at the airport, a member of staff leaned over to me to whisper in my ear. ‘Let me give you a tip’ she said. ‘When you next pass through North Texas airport, remember to take your glasses off to place on the security belt’.

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Salman Rushdie goes back into hiding (Rousse)

Salman Rushdie was in hiding again, this time in our basement flat in Edinburgh.

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A mortgage and husband-free Fringe performer (Rousse)

When I spotted academic J at the bus stop, I took the opportunity of checking the rumours that she had left her husband and moved into a flat of her own. She confirmed this, adding that she was almost free of her mortgage (just £68 to go), that she had a new boyfriend called Richard, and that the pair of them were performing at the Edinburgh Fringe.

I was very tempted to deface a poster for their show that was affixed to a telephone box just along the road. I resisted, but only because I was still in sight of the proud performer.

After I saw J onto her bus, I witnessed an argument between a thug and a pale, bent-over man called Richard. Could this small, albino afflicted by kyphosis be J’s lover? Indeed it was.

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Metal fence decapitation (Rousse)

The yellow tandem flew through the air, threw off its passengers, and landed at the other side of the metal fence. TPR’s body fell to one side – and his head to the other, cleanly decapitated by the fence-wire.

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Finals fear (Rousse)

Two years later than expected – due to treatment for breast cancer – I was due to take my finals. However, I had not read the set texts, did not know the exam time or venue, the paper format was a mystery to me, and I had no idea of the material to revise.

Someone suggested that I ask a PhD student to help me. Everyone else thought this a stupid idea.

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