Belle makes Danny Baker laugh

When I walked into the bar two things immediately struck me. The first was that the bar was fitted with a hi-tech system that monitored eye movements whenever drinkers stared at each others’ bottoms. The second was that Danny Baker stood behind the bar. Upon ordering my drink, I arranged my loose coins onto his head so he had a perfect flat top hair style.

Not only was Danny serving drinks but he was also dj-ing and he stopped chatting to mix in Born Free. As I looked through his record box I said, “Let’s play record box poker. We will draw records out of our record boxes and see who wins”. I knew I had some great records in my box and I had a good chance of winning. Later in the evening I pointed out that the yellow box of insect killer (‘kills ickle insects’) said ‘gluten free’ on the top and I made him laugh. I felt as if I was at last a fulfilled human being.

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A glimpse of summer and fears of infection (Rousse)

ET-S and I couldn’t believe our luck when we wandered down to the shore and discovered soft golden sand, gentle waves, and water the temperature of a warm bath. I dived straight in still wearing my clothes before everything returned to the normality of dismal grey again.

Later I met a man who shared my musical tastes and discussed the merits of Elbow with him.

Then I caught up with TPR and wondered whether I would pass on any nasty diseases to him as a result of my straying in the past.

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Rousse rejects a lover and kills a cat

The arrangements for our holiday were hardly ideal. I hadn’t managed to finish my conference paper in time so was obliged to take a stack of work with me, and when we arrived in Antigua we found that we’d been allocated beds in two different dormitories distant from one another. I was sharing with three men!

On the first morning I couldn’t find TPR so I ended up sharing breakfast with a broad-shouldered blond Dutchman and his cat. Within minutes my dining partner declared his undying love for me and threatened a sixth suicide attempt if I refused to return his affections. He followed me back to my dormitory and I eventually got rid of him by pushing him out of the window. Unfortunately I shoved the cat just a little too hard. It crash-landed with a miaow and a splat on the street below. Just as I was about to close the window I saw TPR out of the corner of my eye. He had witnessed everything. He drew the worst of conclusions: his wife had picked up a good-looking stranger in a hotel, taken him back to her bedroom, and afterwards sneaked him out via the window. For days afterwards my disgusted husband refused to respond to my tweets.

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Rousse’s new best friend is Princess Diana

Princess Diana (my new best friend) and I lounged side-by-side for our girly chat. She permitted me to ask her anything I liked so long as the conversation didn’t descend into tabloid interview. I thought that I was doing OK until she pointed out that I seemed a little over-obsessed with her rumoured OCD.

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It was one of the most beautiful days of the summer, yet I couldn’t explain why I had decided against sunbathing outside our wee railway cottage. However my preference for organising my collection of high-heeled patent leather shoes indoors probably saved my life. When I heard the screech of the brakes I ran to the window. Scattered over the ground I saw half a dozen bodies and various disconnected limbs. Soon afterwards I spoke to my mother on the phone to assure her that we had not been hurt when the train derailed. She told me that the BBC was reporting the fatalities just outside Stevenage. I had no idea that we lived so far south.

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Flood, fire and knitting (Rousse)

Although our house was not as grand as those of our neighbours with their massive tiled entrance halls, I was still distraught to learn that it had been damaged by a combination of flood and fire. Especially annoying was that my new suit from Hobbs looked fine from a distance, but on closer inspection it was obvious that I would never be able to wear it again due to visible staining.

My sister S was also concerned with clothing. In front of her was a pile of knitting patterns, all of which featured grey-haired ladies sporting saggy blue cardigans. I volunteered to try my hand at cable stitch, but soon got into a complete pickle. The man clicking his needles opposite me smiled smugly to himself, then announced snootily that the French could not knit either. Another man at the table was working on a tiny bottle green garment. This was a bib for Baby Ted. While I racked my brain trying to work out how this man could possibly know of my sister J’s teddy’s predilection for woollen garments, he finished his work, fetched Baby Ted from beneath the White House drawing room window, and tied the bib around Baby Ted’s tiny neck.

On another day a university friend and I were heading out for a walk and coffee when we heard beautiful singing coming from a bus shelter. The voice belonged to another friend AW. All were delighted to see one another, AW joined us at the cafe, but declined the invitation to come back to the flat with us. Her refusal concerned her mad ex-husband and the mistaken belief that I was harbouring him at my flat.

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Belle’s knickers exposed

I was eating breakfast at the conference hotel when my eye was drawn to the programme broadcasting live on the television screens. The young presenter was rummaging through my bedroom and holding up my underwear to the camera.

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Smoking, stress, dress-making and gypsies (Rousse)

PhD student VW held out the cigarette and I made a grab for it. Smoking would cure my stress. JA, also completing a PhD, accompanied me to the market to buy dress-making material.

Later on I had to deal with the family of gypsies that had staked out a camp in the middle of Darlington Road.

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Rousse searches underground Theseus-style

I ran along Market Street past grand Georgian houses in pursuit of VE. When she ducked into Oxford Circus tube station I lost sight of her.  As I pondered what to do next, an old man and a blind woman approached me. The man handed me a ball of string for the purpose of tracing of my route through the underground. He also suggested that I seek sponsorship of my quest in order to raise money for the Royal British Legion. I eventually found VE waiting on a platform. She was still wearing one of the Hebridean hats that she had stolen from me.

Back at work it seemed that I was the only one who insisted on going naked. I could tell that AC disapproved. Even so, he helped me supervise the three little girls, including the deaf one: she was missing a right ear. It took a while before we realised that childcare was not our job. Shouldn’t pre-school children attend nursery, rather than university?

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Rousse’s Darth Vader impersonation reaps rewards

The all-female committee smiled and listened as I spoke. Nobody – not even LR-J or BR – challenged a single of my ideas. This was great! Normally I would be ignored.

A little later the sun came out and cast a frightening shadow across the hall. Who was this Darth Vader in our midst? Surely it was not me? I then understood why everyone had earlier indulged my off-beat suggestions. Although it was mid-summer, indoors I’d been wearing my black fleece balaclava helmet. The others had therefore concluded that I had finally flipped, and determined that the best way to handle me was to agree to my every whim.

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Belle the heiress and a clumsy Will Young

Several distant aristocratic relatives died unexpectedly and I inherited £100,000. There was no way I was going to tell anyone about this sudden good fortune, but I did treat myself to a new skipping rope.

At the Eurovision obstacle course competition, the British competitor (was that Will Young?) made several false starts and then tripped up on the starting line.

In the Bermondsey tunnel I was helping to set the long table for 1000 diners. I was distracted by the second hand furniture hawkers. Could I shop and wait table simultaneously?

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