A terrifying journey to Leith (Rousse)

Provided that I survived the journey, I would be writing a stiff letter of complaint to the MD of Lothian Buses as soon as I got home. Where there was a 30 mile limit this driver was easily doing 40+. Most frightening of all, he deliberately accelerated over the snowy bridges. No wonder TPR and I were the only passengers on this terrifying journey to Leith. Everyone else had alighted at the first opportunity.

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Interpretations of paternity rights at work (Rousse)

My boss suddenly remembered that he was the last of a noble line. It was now urgent that he become a father. If I’d understood that bearing a child was part of my job description, I would never have taken on the role.

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Mrs Thatcher mystery solved (Rousse)

Mrs Thatcher was dead. The few people in the know had all been sworn to secrecy. The embargo meant that the news would not be released until the formal commemorations of the 30th anniversary of the Falklands War were over. Now I understood why nobody had wheeled the baroness out to display at any of the ceremonies.

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Belle in high heels

With the fashion for ever higher heels gathering pace, I was considered one of the best ‘walkers’ in the world. Even with 10 inch wedge-soled shoes, I could walk elegantly over the cobbled streets of the City of London. They were making a documentary about me.

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Isle of Lewis camper van rescue (Rousse)

The weather turned vile and we wondered how our friends N and S were coping in the howling wind and torrential rain on the west coast of the Isle of Lewis. They couldn’t possibly be out in the open cycling, could they? There was only one way to find out: to travel there ourselves and join (rescue) them.

We found them at Garynahine in a camper van! They had abandoned their original accommodation plans soon after arrival on discovering that the guest house was not all that the web site had promised. We persuaded N and S that all was not lost. TPR and I would show them a great time on the other side of the bay.

TPR took charge of the navy blue mark 2 VW Golf and I clambered into the camper van. Somewhat alarming were N’s driving skills. She seemed to assume that the vehicle knew the route. She frequently let go of the steering wheel to move across the van and look out the window on the other side. At this rate we would end up spending the rest of the holiday embedded in a peat bog rather than on the beach.

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Lulu in London (Belle)

The coach pulled up outside the Houses of Parliament and I felt my excitement levels rise. Determined to be the first to disembark, I pushed the other passengers out of the way. I could hear Lulu belting out her number and I wasn’t going to miss out on a second of this ‘Shout about the Olympics’ free concert.

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Green teddy bears seek release from Edinburgh airport (Rousse)

For a reason that I could not understand AA and IR had clubbed together to buy me a celebratory present that comprised a collection of green cuddly toys and some rather bizarre clothing, much of it the same colour. Rather than hand all this over to me in person, they left it in a locker at the far side of security at Edinburgh airport. The only way for me to collect my haul would be item by item each time I took a flight. This would take months due to the strict hand baggage rules enforced by the airlines. If only the pair of them had chosen a locker beside the check-in desks instead.

On the first day that I set off to visit my locker I ran into a newly-retired colleague. My delight turned to shame as she berated me for failing to treat annual leave cards as confidential documents. We never had a cross word when we worked together and now I wondered if she had secretly hated me for the past ten years? I wandered off, my head hanging in shame.

However, I soon cheered up when I spotted GG by the check-in desks all dressed up and looking super-glamorous. She was meeting the rest of her family for a photo shoot. This sounded so much more interesting than how I would be spending the next hour or so: making a decision as to which lucky green teddy would be released from the locker as my companion on the 09:15 flight to Heathrow.

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Bonding with Radcliffe and Maconie over the Farmer’s Boys and the BBC (Rousse)

Mark Radcliffe and Stuart Maconie enjoyed the Fringe so much that they decided to stay on in Edinburgh, at least until Christmas.

By now I was their best friend and had persuaded them to help run my seminars. The students were delighted. The pair of them were so amenable that Stuart would sometimes agree to perform his furniture party trick in class. This involved taking a running jump from behind the red sofa then landing fully stretched out across the back rest.

We all got on so well together because we had much in common, especially when it came to music and radio work. My friendship with Stuart was sealed when he spotted the Farmer’s Boys badge (circa 1982) pinned to my rucksack. He was less interested in my Edinburgh Bright Club badge, but when I mentioned my contributions to BBC Radio 4 comedy, both he Mark were all ears again.

See Stuart Maconie elsewhere on Dreamaticus in Mark Radcliffe missing, Stuart Maconie scared (Rousse); Stuart Maconie radio chef (Rousse)

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Smart – but stupid (Belle)

I was in Edinburgh studying for two degrees simultaneously – law and medicine.

Despite my obvious book-smarts I could never remember the way back to my student digs. I had taken to following my flatmates from a discreet distance, hoping they would be going straight home, and not stopping at the pub first.

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