Rumours of garden corpse in case of missing wife (Rousse)

Each day I offered my new daughter a cup of tea the moment that she came home from school. Every time she ignored me. Similarly her father (my new husband) also wanted little to do with me.

Could this be something to do with the body? I heard that it was buried somewhere in the garden, but very few people knew exactly where. Indeed there was a concerted campaign to ensure that it was never recovered. Some people denied outright that it even existed.

One thing for certain was that I had absolutely nothing to do with the missing first wife.

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PhD write-up distractions: National Trust for Scotland properties (Rousse)

When I returned to work after my summer holiday I discovered that two of my PhD students had each become heavily involved in National Trust for Scotland properties, each of which was supposedly associated with their doctoral studies.

How would they find time to write up their theses if they were now obliged to attend on site every day?

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Katie Price takes to the water prior to speaking engagement in Liverpool (Rousse)

Katie Price (aka Jordan) and I lapped the swimming pool together. I wondered whether (her) fake boobs behaved differently from the real thing (mine) when in water, but from my vantage point it was not possible to tell, and I felt that it would be rude to ask.

Meanwhile KA stood at the pool edge complaining about her employer. What a waste of money to ship everyone up to Liverpool for a conference – even if the company was a road haulage firm. It was possible that KA was also cross that Katie Price had been invited along as the keynote speaker.

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Conference title fraud (Rousse)

BB and I caught the train along the coast past the new complex of artificial ski slopes.

Once settled at the conference venue we listened to a Norwegian who offered to present in French or English. Meanwhile a former PhD student from my group held short interviews in an alcove at the side of the room. And that was it.

It had been proved to me that you can give your conference the grandest name imaginable, but this has no impact on the quality of the sessions that it comprises.

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Excess body hair and changes in the weather (Rousse)

The reunion brought together folk from my family (my sisters J and S), school (GB and JB now divorced, but at least willing to attend the same event even if they would not acknowledge one another), and university (JS with her broken bone and a continuing problem with balance).

I was keen to join in with the celebrations, but this was difficult due to a series of wardrobe malfunctions. My first problem was excess body hair on a scale that made joining the others to sunbathe in my bikini completely out of the question. Then I struggled so long to find a summer dress in the boot of GB’s Audi that by the time I put it on the weather had turned and such light clothing was completely unsuitable.

Once again choice of outfit was spoiling my enjoyment of an event.

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The end of the affair (Rousse)

I found TPR dressed in high visibility yellow in the line-up for the cycling road race. I was surprised that he was so willing to step down from his bike when I confronted him. He followed me into the nearby building to hear what I had to say.

The building was richly decorated in red and gold and furnished with artefacts from the Far East. Before I had a chance to tell TPR why I had summoned him we came across another couple who were keen to introduce themselves and tell us about their high-powered jobs. It dawned on us that we had stumbled into a private members’ club for the extremely wealthy. We did not belong here.

Eventually TPR and I found a place for a private conversation. I told him that I knew about his affair, even though I had never met his mistress. I begged him to be discreet with her. He agreed to my request.

However, not long afterwards I met the woman in question. I couldn’t believe that I was sharing my husband with such a pathetic specimen. The affair had to end. I spat in the woman’s tea, then cornered TPR with the demand that he never again travel to the US on business without me. I was determined to end this affair and any other possible future indiscretions.

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Accident prone acquaintances (Rousse)

JS ran a few paces over the highly polished floor, turned a corner, missed her footing, skidded, and fell head first on the hard surface. I ran to her aid, while also dialling 999.

I cradled JS’s head in my arms. It was attached to the rest of her body by a tiny strip of skin. Would she ever recover?

My PhD students were also injured. All but one was sporting a cast of some description, hoping for their broken bones to heal.

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Glistening glamour and finger technique (Rousse)

We passed through the university hospital by train as we travelled to the campus. Everything was beautiful and sparkling in white – from the walls of the structure to the glistening full-length ball gowns of the glamorous reception staff.

On arrival I walked from the station to the main building with a woman whose specialist subject was ‘finger technique’.

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Fruit, vegetables and weight gain (Rousse)

I was sent to the US to teach good eating habits to young adults.

One of my clients was completely clueless. When I finally go through to him that fruit and vegetables were healthy, he failed to understand that the quantity of their consumption also had a bearing on his weight gain.

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Renovating the renovations (Rousse)

My mother-in-law and brother-in-law AG had spend the night side-by-side in single beds in my old bedroom in Birmingham. I asked them how they had slept. All had been fine, but they suggested that we redecorate the room.

It actually wasn’t that long since the bedroom had last been decorated, but we agreed that the finish was not up to scratch. We decided to call the decorator to fix the coving, and to sort out the plastic noise reduction structure just beneath the picture rail.

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