My boyfriend Hugh Grant met me at work every day to watch old films in my office.
I was convinced, however, that he wouldn’t be mine for long. He was a renowned gold-digger, and would soon discover that I was not the heiress that he imagined.
My boyfriend Hugh Grant met me at work every day to watch old films in my office.
I was convinced, however, that he wouldn’t be mine for long. He was a renowned gold-digger, and would soon discover that I was not the heiress that he imagined.
While everyone else was taking a siesta, WB’s new husband Richard cosied up to me on the sofa and confessed that he worked for the Daily Mail. He explained that he had held the post of Marketing Director for the past 31 years.
I doubted that he was telling the truth, especially when he denied all knowledge of my brother-in-law RH.
TPR and I travelled to Newcastle for two visits to my mother in her care home.
Between the visits, TPR consulted physics text books in Newcastle University library, then we both attended a research seminar in the School of Fine Art.
Part-way through the talk, the Head of School asked me to escort TPR from the building. This was because TPR’s unwarranted interruptions and basic questions revealed that he had no right to be there. We left campus under a cloud of shame.
One of the two tiny puppies that the woman handed over to me looked a bit floppy. Nevertheless, I photographed the pair of them.
When I passed the puppies back to her, I hoped that she didn’t notice that the floppy one was now dead.
I visited my locker from time to time to check that it did not smell.
I was afraid that if it did, someone would find the rotting body parts in my spare change tin. Then everyone would know that I committed the murder.
I was 46 years old and pregnant with triplets.
But all was not lost because Tom Hollander was my gynaecologist.
My significant other and I had been in a relationship for years. We were arguing about why we were still not married, or even engaged. As the argument continued, I realised I was growing to hate him. Eventually, he dug deep into his trouser pocket, pulled out a ring box and slammed it into my outstretched hand.
I quietly decided to dump the boyfriend but keep the diamond ring.
All our plans were fixed. Our flight to Italy left at 5pm so we arranged to leave the Hilton hotel exactly an hour earlier.
Then, a disaster. The entire bridge on the upper right hand side of my mouth dropped out!
Given the general scarcity of dentists and that this was a Sunday, I was pretty sure that it would be impossible to find immediate treatment. I was about to cut my holiday short when I overheard a man speak to a child about his teeth.
‘Are you a dentist? If so, is there any chance that you could fix this please?’ I asked, showing the man the bridge that I was clutching in my hand.
‘I could certainly find some adhesive for that’, he replied.
I texted a quick message to Kathy to say that I would be back soon, and asked if she could start our packing without me. Then I followed the man into a dusty yard. In the middle of it I saw a dentist’s chair and another man, presumably the dentist’s assistant.
Now it seemed the dentist was offering me more than a tube of dental glue. He would replace the bridge in my mouth just as soon as he anaesthetised me. As I watched him fill a syringe with a viscous clear liquid, I looked around and began to doubt the medical credentials of the two men beside me. I drew the courage to question them. They confessed that they were not dental staff, but professional kidnappers, and that I was their hostage!
I had a plane to catch and no time to be tied up and tortured. Before my captors had the chance to insert the needle into my vein, I leapt out of the chair and ran. Now completely lost in a maze of narrow streets, at least I was free.
In time I found a lift that would take me back up to my room at the Hilton. However, I then faced a new challenge. Once inside the lift, there was no way of exiting it. It wasn’t until another passenger worked out that you could take apart the panels of the lift carriage to create a small doorway that we were able to make our way out again.
We landed not in the hotel, but at an enormous trade exhibition. I would wait for Kathy at the Visit Scotland stand in the hope that she would find me there, even though I knew that by that time my would-be captors would have already sent her several ransom demands, giving the impression that I was still their prisoner.
TPR admitted that he had been sneaking out to participate in a threesome, but he refused to tell me the names of his partners.
‘No wonder you are covered in that horrible rash’, I screamed at him. ‘Don’t you dare pass it on to me!’
John Cleese looked upon me kindly.
‘I know that it must be overwhelming, but it’s fine for you to just listen at the meeting’, he said.
I responded that there was no need to show me any concern. I had long experience of hosting strangers at my flat on the basis of the briefest encounters. These included Marco Giovino, Robert Plant’s drummer in the Band of Joy.