Cocaine addiction and twins (Rousse)

We helped out at a party in a top floor apartment hosted by two gay friends.

Inevitably one of the young women became addicted to cocaine that very night.

We drove home in TPR’s brand new black Golf GTi with K, J, and their new twin babies.

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Greedy Labrador scoffs B&B guest’s burger and chips (Rousse)

Mr and Mrs K ran a bed and breakfast in the Lake District. I visited with the intention of staying there to finish my first novel.

I ordered burger and chips for my breakfast. The Ks’ yellow Labrador took a fancy to my food, leapt up to the table, and scoffed the lot.

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A relation from Barnsley (Rousse)

I recognised the man’s voice immediately, but what was my father doing at the conference?

When he stood up I could tell that this wasn’t my father after all, but someone who sounded and looked like him. He was even dressed like my father in a sage green suit. This had to be a relation of ours.

The man came from Barnsley and was 76 years of age (although he looked much younger). I pulled out my iPhone to photograph him, at which point he transformed into a tall, cool redhead in his twenties wearing tiger stripe socks. Now all likeness to my father was lost.

Despite this I still keen to show him how he resembled my father in his earlier form so I started to look for some photos to prove this. My companion soon became bored with waiting and said that he would now be leaving with his wife. I requested his email address so that I could send him the photos once found, but he refused to give it to me.

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Robbie Williams’ secret of song-writing success (Rousse)

Robbie Williams explained his secret of song-writing success.

‘If you listen carefully, all my tunes are simply up and down scales with added lyrics’.

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Stars on a train (Rousse)

As the train came into the station I noticed that all the people leaving my carriage were stars of my favourite TV drama. Dare I tell them how much I love their work?

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Sectarian sanitation (Rousse)

I was in big trouble for using the disabled toilet – because I was able-bodied, white, and Protestant.

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Rail passengers told go ‘Sod off’ (Rousse)

We needed to get from Hexham to Newcastle by train to spend the night with LM.

When I tried to check the train times on the station’s app it responded with an error message:

‘Trains after 4pm from Hexham to Newcastle? We don’t offer such a service. Sod off!’

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A bee swarm (Rousse)

‘Don’t touch it!’ I begged my mother.

The bees responded to the poke and swarmed. I was covered in insects from head to toe.

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The secret bigamist (Rousse)

Until I considered what might happen if I died before TPR, I thought it perfectly acceptable to have secretly married my 35 year old ‘boyfriend’. In practice we hardly ever saw each another, and I wondered if he actually remembered our vows. However, whenever we were together I did enjoy his company.

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Plumbing catastrophe (Rousse)

The poshest restaurant in town did not supply enough waste paper baskets – so everyone threw their rubbish down the lavatories, thus causing a plumbling catastrophe.

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