A lost baby, a father risen from the dead, drug addicts, and an unlicensed driver (Rousse)

‘Wake up! Wake up!’ I screamed at my mother in the bed next to mine. ‘Naomi’s baby has vanished!’

I made such a noise that I literally woke my father from the dead. When I noticed his corpse stir at the other side of the room, I begged it to settle again. I had enough on my plate ‘carenting’ my mother and looking after the baby that I had now lost. I refused to add another caring responsibility to this already-heavy burden.

I left the bedroom to hunt for the baby. My greatest fear was that the dog had plucked her from her cot and wolfed her down as a tasty breakfast. It was therefore with great relief that I found the dog in his basket in the kitchen, curled around the infant, with my tall, slim sister S keeping an eye on the pair of them.

Then I noticed the empty syringe on the kitchen table. My heart dropped: S was injecting again. Even worse, I could hear noises coming from the garage where a bunch of S’s tattooed druggie friends were partying (and probably wrecking the place in the process). I couldn’t bear to think of our sister J’s reaction when she heard about this.

By the time that I returned to the bedroom, my mother was up and dressed. She looked very glamorous in a black chiffon dress. I admired its sheer sleeves and tiny red flower decorations. I also noticed that my mother held some car keys in her hand.

Before we could stop her, my mother was at the wheel of the silver Volvo that I thought we had sold years ago. Neither I nor TPR could wrench control of the car from her, not even when we told her that she no longer held a driving licence and was uninsured to drive. Eventually – with the promise of an Americano – we persuaded her to stop in a café car park. There we grabbed the car keys from her.

Our next challenge was to work out how to return my mother to the safety of her care home.

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Fated never to play Catan (Rousse)

For months I had been trying to find an opportunity to teach the board game Catan to my neighbour KB and online friend KJD. Now, at last, they were both at my flat and eager to learn. Even my sister J wanted to join in, though on the condition that we did not keep score. As things turned out, however, we didn’t even manage to lay out the board, let alone play a game.

The first problem was that although we had plenty of Catan boxes, they were either empty or contained a version of the game that I did not know.

Then I was distracted into dealing with the two needy men in my life. I had to cajole my husband out of the house to ensure that he reached his golf tournament on time. Meanwhile my unnamed, super-fit, long-haired Viking lover sent me into a spin when he suddenly announced that he was off to the Caribbean for a month – without me.

When KJD reminded me that she had to leave for the 11:05 train to London, it was obvious that we were fated never to play this game together.

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The Mother of Minions (Belle)

I was travelling on an American-style school bus and couldn’t remember why, or where I was going. I took a sneaky peak at my fellow travellers – a handful of Minions were sitting quietly staring out of the bus windows.

This reminded me – hadn’t I invented the Minions several years ago, and shouldn’t I now be extremely wealthy rather than travelling on a bus?

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Hair bobble clues point to sub-standard cleaning (Rousse)

Under a thick layer of dust beneath our bed, I found three hair bobbles. What were they doing there, and why hadn’t our cleaner J found them? More to the point, when had she last cleaned under the bed?

Of course, I knew the answer to my questions: J never made a thorough job of hoovering our bedroom.

I wanted to raise this with her. However, it would be difficult to do so while she was laughing and joking (and not cleaning!) with TPR in the study.

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Contributing to a Media and Cultural Studies compilation in Canada (Rousse)

I had only volunteered to review a couple of papers, so it came as a shock to be told that everyone taking part in the compilation of the book was also expected to write a chapter on a relevant theoretical model of their choosing.

I explained to the old professor that I couldn’t possibly do this. Media and Cultural Studies was not my core area of expertise. In any case, I was retired. He reluctantly agreed that I had a point, then invited me with CS to follow him into the lift and to the bar for a drink.

I agreed to join them. First though, I just wanted to collect a couple of colleagues.

Of course, the three of us got lost on the way to the bar. We ended up on a university campus in a huge Canadian city that was served by the best public transport system ever. You could cross the entire city by bus in just 6 minutes.

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Rumoured death of Canadian boyfriends 1 and 2 (Rousse)

I was passed from one Canadian young man to another. It was as if the second had asked the first if he could borrow a bag of sugar.

This was such a disappointment. I had become quite attached to Canadian boyfriend number 1. In fact, I almost believed that this tall, dark super-fit man might be my life partner. I now understood, however, that I should probably have classed him as ‘out of my league’.

Canadian boyfriend number 2 – fairer, shorter, and without the washboard six-pack of his predecessor – would have to do. Despite his shortcomings, however, I was confident that I would learn to love him.

The two men house-shared with three young women, also Canadian. I got on really well with them all. I visited their house frequently, and we often socialised together.

Early in the relationship with Canadian boyfriend number 2, the six of us walked through the park down to the docks. When I sat down for a rest at the side of the road, a couple of people threw their spare change at my feet. In the time that it took to explain that I was a well-educated British woman with a decent salary and not a beggar, my Canadian friends had all disappeared.

I was later reunited with the three young women, but the men were lost forever. I later heard a rumour that they had fallen down a ravine in the mountains and died.

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Is Olly Murs coming for dinner? (Rousse)

There were several areas set out for dining in the canteen.

I first found a table with AA-D. He had placed only two jam tarts on his plate for his main meal of the day. When I questioned this, he explained that it was very difficult living on £14,000 a year.

Later, I went downstairs to see who else was eating there that evening. Here my former colleague, and newly promoted Assistant Principal, GH was in a complete flap. They’d laid out a table as if for Christmas dinner to welcome a selection of pop stars.

The big question was whether or not Olly Murs would turn up after his disastrous concert of two nights before, when he left the stage after only twenty minutes?

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Dreadful driving with the Bay City Rollers in Birmingham (Rousse)

I was a terrible driver anyway, but when the accelerator of the huge Ford Granada got stuck to the floor as I drove through Birmingham, I was in big trouble. I had no option but to steer the car wherever there was space in the road. At one point, this meant anti-clockwise around a massive roundabout.

Eventually I could feel the car drain itself of fuel. I managed to bring it to a halt at the side of a dual carriageway, not far from a police station. I climbed out of the vehicle and dialled 111. Before I had even had a chance to speak to the operator, six armed police officers surrounded me. The women looked fearsome at the front, proudly displaying rifles over their bare six packs.

The police immediately began a search of the car. I was embarrassed at the amount of biscuit crumbs across the front passenger seat. I also hoped that they would understand that the Bay City Rollers mat on the floor at the back had been placed there for a joke.

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A home in the Pentland Hills and a bad tempered husband (Rousse)

High in the Pentland Hills, we moved to a lovely large bungalow with beautiful views of the city of Edinburgh in the distance. The one drawback was that our new house was underneath a pylon and several criss-crossing electricity cables.

I could have been happier there if my husband hadn’t been so bad tempered. His latest gripe was that I was wasting my time baking a fresh lemon meringue pie when there was a perfectly adequate leftover slice in the freezer. Surely that ‘would do’ for our next set of guests?

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A helicopter ride and Prince William’s patchwork Harris Tweed flat cap (Rousse)

The big treat at BR’s decade-late retirement party was a helicopter ride for his closest colleagues. Since I’d worked with him for a decade and a half from the late 1990s until mid twenty-teens, I was welcomed aboard as one of the passengers.

I don’t remember much about the flight. When I came to, all alone in BR’s kitchen, I recalled boarding the helicopter with the others and could feel a lingering sense of terror. However, I couldn’t account for the time between our departure and return.

When BR’s wife walked into the kitchen, she explained that I had knocked myself out while shrieking and screaming mid-air – so much so that the entire trip had to be cut short.

I followed her into the sitting room to face the others. My presence cast an obvious shadow over the gathering. However, I was grateful to learn that RL looked after me when I took my funny turn.

Back in the kitchen again, BR’s wife pointed to a couple of cardboard boxes that were crammed with ‘junk’ that BR had brought home after he cleared his office on campus in 2015. She said that he would never look at the contents again, and that I was welcome to anything I fancied.

First I slipped some commemorative £2 coins into my pocket. Then I spotted Prince William’s patchwork Harris Tweed flat cap and Prince Harry’s woollen beanie. The former was definitely coming home with me. I left Prince Harry’s cast-off behind; anything associated with him was now worthless.

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