I took my mother’s car keys without her knowledge and set off in the Granada to the meeting at the Royal Society of Edinburgh. I followed the car in front, stupidly assuming that the driver was also heading in the same direction as me.

I felt rather foolish when the driver pulled into the golf club, parked in the car park, and pulled his clubs out of his boot. I would have parked next to him had I known where to find the brake on the Granada. Instead I lost control of the vehicle and bounced across the greens until the car came to a standstill in a bunker, much to the disgust of the golfers.

Conscious of the urgency of reaching the meeting, I restarted the car and drove the rest of the way to Hexham. I parked the car in a side street and took myself, plus pen and paper for minute taking, to join the others at the board table.

By the time that the meeting was over, I had completely forgotten the location of the car. I hunted all the side streets to the west end and back again, passing the police station, brothel, and the wide expanse of the Seil.

Still car-less I bumped into my cousin R. He told me that he had an amazing secret to share, but he couldn’t get it out.