I was being courted by two world leaders.

First Donald Trump wanted to do business me. I agreed to an audience with him. He looked so much younger than he appeared in the media, and spoke kindly without his grating American accent.  I almost liked him – until he showed me the calculator that he had stolen from the last man that had he met, and I realised that this was not Donald Trump the president of the US, but his son.

Boris Johnson was also annoying, but more for being childish rather than criminal. When SM heard that the Prime Minister was in my kitchen he dropped everything to rush round and meet him.