Never again will I stay in the following hotels:

• The luxury American hotel that plonks you in room 22 right next to the bar on a Saturday night
• The Hebridean guest house that houses a black and white cat in your en suite bathroom – this is especially annoying if you are allergic to cats
• The Caribbean resort where there is only space to sunbathe by the pool on changeover day
• Any establishment that makes it possible for your students to send you ‘presents’ while away on annual leave (no matter how lovely the students, and how amusing the presents)