TPR and his two friends knew that before long the enemy would come over the hill. The three of them anticipated hand-to-hand combat, and were prepared. I was terrified, but at least I had an escape route through the attic door into my sister-in-law SB’s bedroom.

The enemy arrived and I scarpered upstairs to raise the alarm. In the adjoining building my mother was in bed and my father in the bath – but I wasn’t interested in them. I needed my brothers-in-law MF and RH to take up arms and defend the family from the marauders.

Outside I could see that two massive armies had assembled beneath the castle. It was difficult to tell who was on which side because all the soldiers were dressed in regulation Restoration costumes, their hair styled in identical Charles II ringlets. The poison dart shooting pirates didn’t care who was who, and fired their deadly ammunition indiscriminately at any likely target.

Then some lunatic set a torch to the field. I only just survived the blaze by scaling the secret staircase to take refuge back in the castle once more. Everybody was furious with the vandal, sorely disappointed that the highlight of the whole afternoon would now be ruined due to one person’s idiotic antics. The set-piece mid-battle okey cokey dance, eagerly anticipated by all, was now cancelled.