Everyone* we knew had moved to the Cotswolds. We drove down to see if life there would suit us too.

My sister J set up an introduction for us with the vicar’s wife, also newly arrived in the village. The vicarage was at the top of an extremely steep gravelly hill and we wondered how they managed to haul all the furniture, including a grand piano, up to the house. Even bringing the grocery shopping home must be an olympian effort. Everything came up by hand. Not even a four-wheel drive could negotiate the steepness of that terrifying hill.

The vicar’s wife was a young, blonde, academic and very friendly. After our strenuous climb up to the house, however, we were disappointed that she did not offer us a cup of tea. It soon became clear that our welcome was on a time limit, so we soon wandered back down to the village again.

Later that morning I discovered that I was the only guest left in the hotel for the day. It was clear that the staff did not realise that I was still in the building. I heard them going loudly through the bookings for lunch. Rather than assigning tables by guest name, they described the diners by social class. When I heard “Working class father and boy with aspirations” I matched the description to the vicar and his son. Lunchtime was all the more interesting with the knowledge that the all the seating was planned by social rank.

My own booking was a table for two at 2pm. My dining partner was JG, on secondment from the US to the role of the hotel’s maître d’ for the summer. After everyone had been served we would enjoy a quick snack, and then JG would to teach me to dance. She dressed up specially for our date in black trousers and high-heeled black furry boots, topped with a black and white shirt. She ordered the staff to clear the tables quickly and then hang black and white awnings all around the dining room to transform it into a ball room.

I was impressed that JG took our dance class so seriously – but even this would not persuade me to move house to the Cotswolds.

*A&C, SNAHF&M, JMP&A, JRA&J