All I wanted was some peace and quiet at home in my pyjamas when the doorbell rang and a whole family of cleaners marched into the hall. It would have been rude to refuse them entry so while they all worked I rushed around making tea and conversation. There was much to discuss about the flooding from the upstairs flat. Then I discovered that I hadn’t actually been on my own earlier that day. All this time my colleague JB had been hidden away in the study, supposedly marking, but secretly coveting the turquoise trapezium handbag that hung on the back of the door.

Later out on the street JB and I witnessed a drive-by motorcyclist gunman taking shots at pedestrians. We ran into the police station to report the crime. Our basic description of the assailant’s skinny body, patchy facial hair and scruffy clothing was really good, and we would have been willing to share more details. However, the police on duty were much more interested in collecting personal information about us rather than any criminal.