I don’t know how anyone had talked me into taking a four line speech in the company pantomime but I had handled the situation in an adult way by ignoring it and hoping I would get run over before the performance date. So now here I was, on the afternoon of the show, trying to learn lines in a half-hearted way but still hoping some disaster would befall me. When I walked past a group of school girls one of them managed to put a spell on my pumps and I stopped dead in my tracks. Twice. I said “I am going to punch you in the face” but even I didn’t believe myself. For some reason I had a New Zealand accent.
I watched live footage of 100 members of the public chosen to stand in a marbled hall and greet Prince William and Kate. I scanned the group of women with hats. Scattered throughout the group were about ten blonde beauties who had made ‘wedding dresses’ out of toilet roll. Most of them were showing bare bottoms and a lot of flesh. “That’s why they’re there and I’m stuck watching in the ugly cupboard”, I thought bitterly.