Shabby Sheffield living (Rousse)

TPR still lived part-time in a shabby Sheffield terraced house. He bought it as a temporary measure several years ago when he moved to the city to join a new firm (which made him redundant within a year).

How anyone could live like this, I could not imagine. Since moving in ten years earlier, he hadn’t decorated a single room. He lived mainly in the kitchen, sleeping on a single fold-up bed under a 1970s patterned blue and white duvet. The whole room was engulfed in clutter because he rarely managed to put anything away after using it. The small garden also needed attention. After a decade of neglect, it was simply a patch of grass above which a limp washing line hung.

A and C understood the state of TPR’s living arrangements to be indicative of extreme poverty. So, whenever they came to visit, they arrived armed with ‘presents’ of A’s cast-off clothes and sportswear (wet-suits included).

Meanwhile I regularly wailed at TPR in distress. Why could he not simply sell this Sheffield property and move back home to be with me on a permanent basis?

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Barbara Windsor motorcyclist mobster (Rousse)

Five us squeezed onto the seat of the huge yellow motorbike.

If one of us could just reach and turn the key, we might escape the clutches of evil Barbara Windsor and her mobster gang – now approaching us at great speed.

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From a picnic in Glencoe to cheating the GMC (Rousse)

I picnicked with my sister-in-law JLR, her partner J, and daughter F on a heather heath in Glencoe. The moorland beyond us stretched for miles with not a soul in sight, save a small herd of deer. The only evidence of human intervention in this wild landscape were white painted signs warning of dangerous snow depths in hidden corries. These seemed somewhat redundant on a beautiful summer’s day.

When it was time to leave, we climbed into the open railway carriage for our journey back to civilisation. This form of transport was very rudimentary. It was our responsibility to keep the train wheels on the track. On a couple of occasions we almost failed in our duty.

My next commitment was a fund-raising ball for a cancer charity. All my friends agreed to come dressed in black and white. Some were quite daring: my university friend JS looked fabulous in the tiniest of striped mini skirts. The one issue with the ball was that many of us wanted to dance barefoot. This was impossible when there was so much broken glass on the dancefloor.

Not dressed in black and white was my school friend AL (now AW). Instead, she wore a billowing brown Indian smock over her large belly. I was mortified when she told me in answer to my enquiry about the baby’s due date that – despite appearances – she was not pregnant. It was with some relief, however, to learn that a woman called Lorna had put AL up to this with the aid of a couple of pillows. (Anyway, how could AL possibly be pregnant at the age of 58?)

I also asked after AL’s sister’s children. The son was doing well, but the daughter was fighting her case with the General Medical Council. She had been found guilty of using ChatGPT to cheat in the final assessments of her medical degree.

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A Portobello prison – with magnificent sea views (Rousse)

PB was renting a second floor flat in Portobello with the most magnificent sea views. I took him across the road one day to point out Berwick Law and the Bass Rock in the distance, and to introduce him to the gannets and their feeding habits.

When I checked my watch, I saw that I was running horribly late. I needed to get back into town quickly, but I was barefoot and my red Mary Jane shoes were still in PB’s rented flat.

I grabbed PB’s keys, crossed the road, pushed open the unlocked main door, and climbed the stairs to the second floor. The key ring was very full, but I soon picked out the key for the front door.

I reckoned that I could have found the right key blindfold. After all, it was not that long ago that my cruel lover held me captive in this building, taunting me daily with a key that he believed that I would never dare use to regain my freedom.

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Queue karaoke at the Edinburgh Breastival (Rousse)

PMF was desperate to perform at the Edinburgh Fringe, but it was now far too late to secure a show entry in this summer’s programme.

‘Here’s an idea’, I suggested. ‘”Queue karaoke” could be the top performance of the Fringe! All you need to do is print off lyric sheets, distribute these amongst audience members stuck in queues at the larger venues, and encourage everyone to join you in song. You could pass a bucket around to collect your ‘ticket sales’ immediately afterwards.

‘Better still, you could donate all your proceeds to Cancer Research UK, while branding your performance as the single show of the “Edinburgh Breastival” .

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Return to handsome Redcar (Rousse)

I shoved the shopping list into TPR’s hand and said that I would meet him at Tesco. Then I jumped on the train.

Settled in the carriage, I was enjoying the company of my former colleagues AT, JB, and MG when I realised that the train had been travelling for some time without calling into any stations en route. My heart sank when the others explained that this was the non-stop service to Redcar. Poor TPR would be stuck in Tesco without me!

The single positive outcome of my mistake was the opportunity to pay a return visit to the handsome Georgian seaside town. Here I admired the white-painted townhouses and shops on the wide high street.

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Alan Turing back from the dead? (Rousse)

EH was convinced that her husband had met Alan Turing at the 2023 AI safety summit at Bletchley Park.

I wasn’t so sure, not least because Turing had been dead for almost 70 years.

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An insane love (Rousse)

Now there were three men in my life:

  1. My husband, who barely tolerated me.
  2. My stunningly handsome, wealthy, on-off lover, who resembled Jonah Hauer-King crossed with a young Hugh Grant.
  3. A friendly, tubby Irish lad in his twenties, who was almost certainly still a virgin.

Following a disastrous night with Number 3, I was desperate to reunite with Number 2. This was despite knowing that Number 2’s mental health had worsened in the time that he wasted hanging around his ‘cool’ set with friends with ridiculous names (e.g. ‘Bunny’).

When I found Number 3 in Dumfries and Galloway, I confessed to him my undying love. He responded that he and I had no future due to his insanity.

I replied that his state of mind only made me love him more. I was prepared to give up everything to move to south west Scotland to look after him. I also claimed that my husband would be glad to join us in our future life together. This was a huge lie: my husband would be furious at such a prospect.

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Edinburgh to Australia via Perth in a House of Bruar cashmere coat (Rousse)

The long haul flight took an interesting route.

Its first stop after leaving Edinburgh was the city of Perth, 32 miles north of the Scottish capital. The plane travelled here by road, and collected extra passengers from the High Street. Then it took to the air to reach Kuala Lumpur. Its final destination was somewhere in Australia, but this didn’t interest me because I was only travelling as far as Malaysia.

I happily boarded the flight at Edinburgh and was delighted when a friendly woman wearing the same navy House of Bruar cashmere overcoat as me took the seat to my right. We were actually the only passengers in seats; all the Malaysians preferred to lie on the floor.

Everything started to fall apart after I disembarked at KL and realised that I should have carried hand luggage only. Meanwhile my big suitcase was on its way to Australia in the plane’s hold.

Added to this, when I was reunited with TPR he appeared to have suffered a nervous breakdown. He embarrassed himself in front of a huge audience unable to finish the first sentence of his speech that began ‘My career in the computer industry…’

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David Beckham’s affair and an athletic hairy beast (Rousse)

David Beckham and I snuggled up together in bed. We hadn’t known each other very long, and were still married to our spouses, so our relationship was a very special secret.

Our game was up on the afternoon that three giggling teenage girls managed to snap photos of us wrapped around one another. It wasn’t long before their blurry iPhone pictures were all over the media.

My students thought it hysterical that their dull lecturer was involved with an international super-star. Such was their amusement that they ordered multiple cardboard cut-outs of a mostly naked Beckham to line the steps up to the main library. My fear was that their prank would generate even more press coverage of our illicit liaison.

Meanwhile Beckham’s latest television ad campaign was about to go live. This drew on the Greek belief that eating the flesh of one creature gave you its powers. In this case, the advert was based on a dozy sheep that grazed lazily on Beckham’s torso, then suddenly bounded across the screen, transformed into an athletic hairy beast.

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