Reader held hospital hostage (Rousse)

Posted on September 8, 2019 by Dreamaticus

For a change, the book group members met for Sunday lunch. MH offered her sparse flat as the venue, even though she could not attend herself. JS’s sister took MH’s place, holding her head in her hands whenever death was mentioned.

At the time MH was being held hostage in a nearby hospital, possibly by NY. We had one clue to her whereabouts: a slip of paper that mentioned a plastic chair, and envelope and a dark long-haired wig. What did this mean, and which one of us was brave enough to attempt a rescue?

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Fighting Fatty in a field (Rousse)

Posted on September 7, 2019 by Dreamaticus

One minute I was sleeping on a bean bag in a departure lounge of Schiphol airport next to LE and GE. It was so comfortable, but how had we managed to make travel arrangements that required an overnight stay in the Netherlands?

Next I was in rural America driving into the mountains on the recommendation of RB. I was lucky that there was no other traffic on the road as I travelled up the left hand lane.

At the top of the pass, in a field full of enormous daisies, I encountered a somewhat threatening overweight woman. I had no means of defending myself against her, so I called her ‘Fatty’ and ran away. For ages afterwards I felt incredibly guilty for being so rude.

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Conference paper submissions and a chicken breast (Rousse)

Posted on September 6, 2019 by Dreamaticus

Head of department JH hauled six of us into his office. He was furious that the PhD students had ‘stupidly’ submitted their draft conference paper submissions for peer review to unworthy colleagues in a ‘nutty evangelical gay Methodist’ further education college in Finland.

I argued against JH’s cruel accusation, citing IH’s employment at this institution as an indicator of its reputable status. GW spoke up to support me, then popped a frozen chicken breast into the office microwave for her supper.

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Silly sticker selection process (Rousse)

Posted on September 5, 2019 by Dreamaticus

The selection process for the prized appointment was so ridiculous that I decided to withdraw my application.

Surely they could have come up with something more challenging than asking the candidates to make up stories based on the assembly of stickers on a sheet of paper (or, in my case, the back of a white A5 envelope)?

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Jeremy Corbyn goes green (Rousse)

Posted on September 4, 2019 by Dreamaticus

I was Jeremy Corbyn’s wardrobe mistress. This season he would be wearing dark green cotton shirts.

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Jimmy Savile student beater (Rousse)

Posted on September 2, 2019 by Dreamaticus

It was with horror that I discovered that my new PhD student’s second supervisor was Jimmy Savile. The student had already suffered his first beating at the hands of this fiend. How on earth could I protect him?

My only hope of help was to consult DM, the wisest academic in my circle of friends.

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Rick Parfitt top tipper (Rousse)

Posted on August 30, 2019 by Dreamaticus

Status Quo’s Rick Parfitt lay on the top of the bed in my ornate Victorian bedroom. He was doing his best to tempt me back to his own house, but I was not interested in following him.

Instead I was perfectly happy to lie next to him while he amused me with tales of leaving enormous tips for restaurant waiting staff who had no idea of his great fame and vast fortune.

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Strawberry-growing, shoe-designing Rousse

Posted on August 29, 2019 by Dreamaticus

We had great success growing strawberries under our flourishing redcurrant bush. Our only mistake was to harvest the early fruit to ripen elsewhere while making room for the next crop. KT told us that doing so would ruin the soil, then wandered off to consume vast amounts of our cheese.

I ignored her, turning my attention to the distressed school teacher sitting with her head between her knees on the staircase, wailing that she couldn’t go on. I agreed that her job sounded hideous, but it looked like it hadn’t done her any harm. Nobody would believe that this youthful-looking woman was 70 years old.

I also wanted to quit my job due to external political pressures. My ambition was to become a shoe designer.

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Double entendre speaking début (Rousse)

Posted on August 25, 2019 by Dreamaticus

While speaking to a class of disengaged further education students, BD made the most inappropriate double entendre.

It was both appalling and hysterical – and I could not hold back my laughter from under a huge paper bed sheet at the back of the classroom.

The students who had not been paying any attention looked up in surprise. What on earth had they missed?

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Fashion for homeless apes (Rousse)

Posted on August 24, 2019 by Dreamaticus

I felt sorry for the homeless gorillas and other apes who lived rough on the traffic roundabout.

Now that it was winter they had somehow managed to fashion themselves a form of clothing from discarded grain sacks, but I feared that this was insufficient protection from the cold, wet and wind.

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