My mother-in-law’s step-parents – elderly, redneck Americans – and their extended families blew all their savings on a trip to visit their relations in the UK.

We organised a boat trip for their entertainment. The women instantly fell in love with the ‘captain’, not realising that this was TPR, and a distant relation of theirs. ‘You could cut the waves with those arm muscles’, said one to another.

I feared that everyone would hate me after I accidentally killed one of their children – until I learnt that the unresponsive toddler was really just a wooden doll on a string.