A new trendy all-night members’ club had opened around the corner in Deptford. I went to view the facilities.

Although I was only a guest, this didn’t stop me from shouting very loudly at a drunken, noisy woman. I put my head round a door and saw people sitting in individual steam baths.  Then a large man, made entirely of wood and wearing a burgundy cardigan, ran past me down the stairs, pushing me out of the way.