At long last we had come to a compromise and I would soon be the proud owner of a house with a sea view in Berwick-upon-Tweed.

I popped into town to check the facilities. “Perhaps Berwick isn’t the place for me”, I concluded after a man attacked me in a public toilet and the police tried to pin the blame on a retired professor of English literature simply on the basis that he was a foot taller than my assailant.