“Miss Piggy was the first animal to go under the knife”, said I, the renowned expert on plastic surgery for pets. The conversation continued as we hobbled along the country lane that ran alongside the M5. The tramp was good company, although I knew in my heart that I would eventually abandon him to return to where I belonged, back in Birmingham.

Later that afternoon, and by now not far from Cheltenham, I decided to head north again. Rather than walk, I planned to hitch a lift with a worker from GCHQ. I hung around the gates to the facility, but failed to attract anyone’s attention.

My priorities changed when a woman approached me and asked if I’d like to see a newly-discovered element. I followed her up a steep wooded path, then to the top of a tower, where an enormous cathedral bell hung. The scientists had wasted no time fashioning their new discovery into an artefact that was both practical and beautiful.

I never made it back to Birmingham. Even the bus service in Worcester refused to take me.