The children’s names were listed in sibling groups on a whiteboard. The mothers referred to the list as they discussed godparents and presents. Although he was male and based in the Republic of Ireland (where this scheme did not operate), JG was there hoping to argue the case for his children. I didn’t rate his chances, especially since he’d produced four off-spring and the women here all seemed to have opted for the standard two.

At the conclusion of the meeting I was introduced to my nephew PF as a vile four year-old. While he lay on the floor swearing I tried to assure him that I knew everything would be fine so long as he worked hard at school. Then my sister J passed my niece AF over to me for the day. In her eight year-old form AF wore her hair dyed blue-black in skull-tight dreadlocks. She looked truly dreadful. I worried over what other passengers would think of us as we travelled the Cumbrian section of the west coast rail line.