When I walked into the bar two things immediately struck me. The first was that the bar was fitted with a hi-tech system that monitored eye movements whenever drinkers stared at each others’ bottoms. The second was that Danny Baker stood behind the bar. Upon ordering my drink, I arranged my loose coins onto his head so he had a perfect flat top hair style.

Not only was Danny serving drinks but he was also dj-ing and he stopped chatting to mix in Born Free. As I looked through his record box I said, “Let’s play record box poker. We will draw records out of our record boxes and see who wins”. I knew I had some great records in my box and I had a good chance of winning. Later in the evening I pointed out that the yellow box of insect killer (‘kills ickle insects’) said ‘gluten free’ on the top and I made him laugh. I felt as if I was at last a fulfilled human being.